Top 300+ Zimbabwean Jokes

TOP ZIM G

Makore apfura zvinhu zvanga zvakanaka
Tayi tambira mari pazuva kwete pa mwedzi

Kune wasinganzwe shona

Some clouds ago.Things was  beautiful.I was dancing for money on the sun not on the moon.

🤛🏽🤣🤣 pachirungu hapana zvaunotiita.
Members if u can't pray in English, please pray in your local language .In church on Sunday I heard someone say "lord you are nothing without me"
Imagine going to hell because of grammar 🤣
Good day
Who said english is easy?
Fill in de blank spaces with YES OR NO.
(1)........ i dont hav brain. (2)____ am mad. (3)_____i dont hav sense.(4)______am stupid.
send me answrz .don't stop the joke,pass it on....

Darkcloudish stuff 

#team Allan.Tee
Unenge wapinda mugroup rakanzi strictly English

I hate it when I am cooking and someone open the door of a pot and listen to the salt

🏽

Hokoyo
 *Bournemouth vs Chelsea*
Score: 4 - 0
Min: 90+5

Match over!!
Please note that Chelsea played with thugs and hooligans who had stolen some Bournemouth jerseys. Police is appealing to members of the public for information which might lead to the arrest of these people. Police is urging people not to listen to anyone spreading  news of hatred against Chelsea especially on social media. All perpetrators will be arrested as assured by the police.

@Chamhembe2019
#CharityCharambachallenge
[20/06 09:04] Darlington: ?+27 84 867 0: Kana uchida kunzwa star FM urijoza unoitasei
?+263 77 567 75: unodzoka kumusha
?+27 84 281 73?: Asi maZimba makanyatso kwana here chaizvo
?+263 77 35987?: Takashota coz vazhinji vari ikoko

CHAKANYANYA 
John‬: Nhai Peter kukwereta airtime ne Econet ichii?
Peter‬: Inhamo

Vakomana musadaro tambayi mushe

‍♀‍♂🕺🕺🕺
Ndozvinogumbura ka izvi
Breaking News 

Mukomana wekumhanya negejo  paStay away oramba nyaya mudare

Mukomana uyu anonzi ataurira mutongi kuti handina kuba asi ndaitobhadhara gejo racho pakazotanga musindo saka ndakaona zvakakodzera kubuda naro sezvo mari ndanga ndatopa muzvina Till

Aenderera mberi akati naiye arikutodawo Change yake yakasara mushop nyangwe hazvo receipt rwakanga rwusati rwabuda 

Kwayedza update
*Ukaona uchidya maputi poshaika kana 1 zvaro rinodonha haaah ziva kuti ibasa kuti ugarike,pachiri nemutambo*
Witchcraft is when

Her bday ......1 Feb
Valentine's...14 Feb
Anniversary..28 feb.

MaZimbos anodenha they can diss everything you do

Ndanebabe - ihure
Ndaneiphone - iiphone 5 second hand
NdaneDen - ukuroja
Ndinebhutsu nyowani - enda unodzosera muridzi dzisati dzasviba
Ndikubaya kunze kwenyika-  asi unofunga kut uzumba is out of zim
I work now- ndimatanyera

🏽
best players in the world right now

1.RONALDO
2.MESSI
3.MBAPPE
4.MY EX‍♂‍♂
🤣🤣🤣
*Dating a slender is big problem, nezuro takanetsana ndokubva aramwa kurara pabed ndokunorara pa Ironing board*
DON'T LAUGH PLEASE

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to Zimbabwe, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I told you not to laugh?  If you laugh then share it
*guys ndokumbira song yaJohn Cena yekuti tsinzirinzi ndine munhu wandirikuda kukiya*
Boy- hey bae hwu doing
Girl-um bored
Boy-You are getting bored nei iwe uine face yakazara ma Pimples, putitsa putitsa ufambise nguva 
MANYARARISA, MBOSEKAIWO...

Baba vakakoka shamwari yavo kudinner nemhuri yavo. Shamwari yasvika yakaona kuti mundiro mayo nemababa manga mune rice nenyama yakawanda asi ma Amai nevana manga mune rice nemaveggie chete. Vakazoti vapedza kudya shamwari akabvunza baba kuti koindava isu tadya nenyama Amai nevana vachidya nemaveggie usadaro mumwe wangu. Baba vakati saka unoda kuti ndivaitesei ivo vachiti havadye katsi
*ukaona uchiri musikana uchiti ukarara nemanhede  mazamu anoinda muhapwa kkkk yu are finished*
🤣🏽‍♂yk🏽‍♂🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣

*🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂ndingarohwe*

*Toti wamitisa mwana ane 16yrs wobva wamuramba. Wabva kubasa wowana mwana uya akagara nemukadzi wako. Mukadzi wako obva atanga kutaura kuti;" Mukanya ndiye mwana wangu wandaiti akamitiswa nezimudhara rikaramba mimba imi mukati endai munotora mwana sakandauya naye"!!.*
Uri iwe unoita sei???

*You take a  lady to guest house and security guard says "Madzoka futi sister?"🤣🤣🤣✅*
Nhai veduwe January haaperi nei kudai.. Zvikoro zvakavhurwa vana vakambodzorwa kudzimba, fuel yakanetsa ikakwira zvino yaveko,stayaway yakaitwa ikapera, ED akaenda Russiaa akadzoka, salary takatambira ikapera, cushion yakapera,Zupco rakauya, Tuku akafa akavigwa, haa  tichingori muna January chete..
*The real reason why l wanted to grow up was to have sex daily..izvi zvePolitics, Economy nekushaikwa kwe fuel hazvisirizvo zvandakakurira ini..☹☹*
*Mukadzi wangu akanaka zvekuti ndiri kunzwa kuda kumunyenga futi asi this time ndakutya kurambwa*

Ndodiii???
🤣🤣🏾‍♂🏾‍♂
*BREAKING NEWS!!*
*Azobvuma kuenda.aenda at* *last..hapana chisingapere.tanga tatambura* *veduwe...Kubva zvaatanga hapana kana chine musoro* *chaakaunza.Ari kuguma nhasi,mangwana* *panenge pava neumwe.*

*Ngaaende January!*
*Vasikana vanotora varume vevanhu musandikanganwewo🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣*
Notice to vana mbavha

Mbavha kana mabawo mahandbag kana mawallet torai mari , mafone , masweets but pliz pliz just drop our documents where someone will find them . it's expensive to replace ID, birth certificate, driver's licence and passport & bank cards.apo munenge maba mari yacho futi. Send kune mamwe magroup kuti mbavha dzizive.
*Mukaonawo mkadzi wangu munomutaurira kuti ndichirikurufu kwa Tuku ndakamirira nyaradzo*
Her : bbe ndokumbirawo mari yekudya paLunch
Him : une change ye$50 here
Her : ehe bbe
Him : idya iyoyo

*Combi Driver vs Passenger*                     
*PASSENGER*--Mamuka sei?                                   
*DRIVER* ---Iwe hauzive kuti munhu anomuka sei, usaita seusina kumborara.                      
*PASSENGER* -- Yowe !!  inga zvakaoma.    

*DRIVER* -- uri kuenda kupi?                                 
*PASSENGER*-- ndiri kuende kuback seat asi hauoni?                     
*DRIVER*--ahh!! Usavhara door iro seuri kuvhara fridge yekumba kwenyu mhani!!!                              
*PASSENGER* --usandijairira , handisati ndambovhara frigde ndiri mukati mayo ini.     
*AFTER A WHILE*...

*PASSENGER*-Imarii combi?                             
*DRIVER*-- Kana uchida kuitenga i$4000                           
*PASSENGER*-- Ehh ndiri kureva kuti imarii kukwira local?
*DRIVER* -- $1              
*PASSENGER* -- ndoburukira  pane vasikana avo            
*DRIVER*--- saka kana vakafamba ndovatevera?                  
*PASSENGR* hameno ikoko chero wandisiya pandiri kuda                            

*_COMBI STOPPED..._*

*PASSENGER*   Ooo mari   mari yecombi     
*DRIVER*-- hey iwe!! $1 rakasakara soo?  
*PASSENGER* asi unoda kuripfeka??enda unorisonesa   
*_Valentine is for yellow bones vamwe vese nomirira black friday. Tanzwanana here ana black panther_*

*Ijust* *created* *facebook* *account* *with* *a* *false*  *profile* *picture* *of a* *beaurty* *lady.now* *my* *father* *sent* *me* *a* *friend* *request* *and he* *is *telling** *me* *he* *is* *single* *and* *no* *children*🤭🤭‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂
★​━━━━━★━━━━━★━━━━━
Mudzidzisi akabvunza vanakuti 1+1=?
Umwe mwana ndokusimuka ndokuti 1+1=4
Umwe mdara aitopfura aibva kunobhadhara vana fees ndokuzvinzwa akabva adzungudza musoro akati "nzara ichatiuraya muno munyika zvinhu zvichingokwira kudai kubva kutransport,petro,chikafu, kana iyo 1+1yaimbova 2 yakwira yava 4 kkkkk

chakanyanya ichi ipa vamwe
CONDOM RAKAFANANA NAMANAGER
KANA RISIPO BASA RONAKIDZA
ishuwa here
*Kunaka kwemurume kuri patatu mumoyo, muhomwe nemubhurugwa* .

Ndiri pa line rezupco musandinetse⚡

*Imagine urikuchurch popinda  "SMS" from home...yekuti sekuru varikumwa mabeer ako*
*Varikutengera ma babe ma pants e Valentine's ndokumbirawo musazotenga anondinetsa kubvisa*

Please ndapota

Breaking news

Zimsec being sued for 100m USD by the UN leaking o level nov 2018 results to the world under term 1.6 Of the Human Privacy act in book...
read more @ www.zimbabwelatestnewstoday.blogspot.com
Mapenzi🏿 akazoiswa muchirugu chehuku achitopiwa chikafu chehuku uku kwaiva kuda kuona kana pane rava nani. Mamwe ose akatanga kutoita sehuku kunze kwe one raive rakagara kukona iro rakabva ranzi pamwe harichapengi. Vakuda kuribvunza rakabva rati shhh  nyararai ndoda kukandira...

*But hupenyu wakaoma vasikana .do u still remember that time tiri kuprimary  vamwe vedu pavaisvika pakuzviwetera vachitadza kungoti" please Mrs may I go to the toilet" chirungu chichiramba but nasi ndiye akuti where did you get my number *

*Imi musazviitise mabby*
🤣
*Guys kuno fuel yadhura zvekuti kana kandege kepa Share it hakachasimuka*

*_Ndaigarodzingwa kumahumbwe zvichinzi uyu anobhohwera kuda kuita zvemashuwa_*
Dai mukoma wangu achiri mupenyu nekuwanda kwaita ma babie akanaka nema yellow bone angadai akafa kudhara.

*Siyai mbanje*
Wife: Varume imbwa chaidzo!
Husband: Sei madaro mai mwana?
Wife: Shuwa munhu anemukadzi kumba
angaite girlfriend.
Husband: Can I ask you something?
Wife: Go ahead.
Husband: Tomboti kumba une $100,
ukaona $10 yakadonha mu road unoidii?
Wife: Aah, ndinonhonga
Husband: Unonhongerei kumba iriko?‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂
A mother was breastfeeding her child and her lady friend next to her said ANOYAMWA SABABA WAKE.

Tichiri kutobata fight izvozvi kkkk
*_kudanana nababe ane zidzoro hais problem....ma1 anozotanga paanoda kukutsamira pachest with that tombstone_*

_🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣_
Whites : How much is Ciroc ?
Barman : $450
Whites : Give me one

Blacks : Imari ciroc?
Barman : $450
Blacks : ko Hennessey?
Barman : $500
Blacks : ko  Skyy ?
Barman :$200
Blacks :  eh! okay wangu ndipo 2 ma Zambezi.

Joke of the day

Gogo na Sekuru vakafunga kuita Romantic breakfast bva vakudya havo porridge vasina kupfeka::
Gogo:unoziva kana ndakakutarisa so ndinonzwa mazamu angu kupisa nerudo.
Sekuru:Haa ibvapo hausi kuona here kuti mazamu ari mu porridge.

Ichii chandi pedza
*Kiss yemunhu akaita Agriculture ine ka aftertaste kendove yemombe* 
Stupid Students

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?CHILDREN: Enugu!TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem?CHILDREN: D-Banj!TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?CHILDREN: 25!TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!
🤣🤣🤣
Shared from (Book of Jokes). Download the app here https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=bookofjokes.app and brighten your day with a smile.
Wife is busy packing her clothes.

Man: And where are you going?

Wife: I'm moving to my mother.

Husband also starts packing.

Wife: And where do you think your going?

Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.

Wife: And what about the kids?

Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
🤣🤣🤣
Shared from (Book of Jokes). Download the app here https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=bookofjokes.app and brighten your day with a smile.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?   Fred: None!   Fred (surprised): Why not?   Fred: Because you cant lay eggs!
🤣🤣🤣
Shared from (Book of Jokes). Download the app here https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=bookofjokes.app and brighten your day with a smile.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?  Student: A teacher!
🤣🤣🤣
Shared from (Book of Jokes). Download the app here https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=bookofjokes.app and brighten your day with a smile.
Kufamba naMadam kwakangooma so.
🏿‍♀🏿‍♂
Papfuura kaYellow pamberi pedu

Ndobva ndamedza mate
🤬🏼
Ndazongoona ndabatwa pahuro ndichinzi *SVIPA izvezvi *
🤮🤧
*Kana uchida kuona kuti munhu wese ane simba,  trier kumuvhurira door ari mutoilet* 

hakunawo ane mubobobo wedoro?
ndiri mubhawa mari yapera asi handisati ndadhakwa.

*Murudo pinda nemagaro kwete nemwoyo........zvikanetsa simuka uende* 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*_kudanana nababe ane zidzoro hais problem....ma1 anozotanga paanoda kukutsamira pachest with that tombstone_*

_🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣_
*There is no defference between a Bar and a Bra.once these two are opened men go crazy,Now imagine a girl called Barbra*
Muface akatumira babe pic akabata imbwa.

Babe: wow! Nyc pic
boy: thanx hey!
Babe: saka iwewe ndiwe upi apo?
Boy:ndini uyo akabata iwewe

Zvinhu zvekudaro hazvidi kudaro
Ngatitambei mushe...

* Ndimi makanyora O' level manje manje shona. munoiziva imi.Hondo ikauya toirwa, kahondo kakauya tokarwa, zihondo rikauya torirwa. Question: Kosvihondo svikauya. .............? 25marks*

*Veduweeee ndakuvara nekuseka kuno kkkkk*
*What Is a " Kiss " .???*
*In Maths :-* "Kiss is the shortest distance between the 2 Lips" ___________________________ *In Biology :-* "Kiss is just the exchange of germs from one mouth to another"______________________________
*In Chemistry :-* " Kiss is a process of testing the pH of the lips "______________________________
*In Physics :-* " It's a process of charging ahuman body "___________________________
*In Computer :-*  " Kiss is a local area network in which 2 bodies are connected without a data cable "__________________________
*In Economics :-* "Kiss is a process in which quantity Demanded is higher than quantity Supplied "___________________________
*In English:-* "Kiss is a touch or caress with the lips "___________________________
*In Commerce:-* is what we call traded by batter___________________________
*In accounting:-* is a balances sheet where debit side and credit side are equal.
*WHICH SUBJECT DEFINED IT BEST???*
🏽‍Varume vekuzimbabwe ukanzwa pavanomhoresana u ll think Zim is the richest worldwide
Maswera sei maboss🤵🏽
Zviri sei chief🏽‍♂
Pakamira sei comrade🏽‍♂🤣
Senator🏽‍
Apa kana 5bond Havana.keep the faith majita🤣🤣🤭
Mwana  wegudo akabvunza mai vake kuty nhai mai seiko pasi rose tiriisu tine mahobi  zvikanzi  mwanangu dai waona vakuru vari kuverenga massage iyi waifa nekuseka 
[11/8, 16:00] ‪+267 76: ​Do u know kuti ukapfeka ma socks unogona kunyahwaira kuenda kubedroom kwa maid usina akunzwa​🤷‍♀
[11/8, 16:02] ‪+27 84: 🤣🤣🤣🤣kunoitei
[11/8, 16:04] ‪+267 77‬: Unenge ucida kungoona kuti akafuga zvakanaka here these days kune mosquito🤭mwana wevanhu anorumwa akaita malaria
*Quote of the day*

*Yeah masocha anomamisa shuwa arova umwe mdara soo akanzwika achiti ndiregereyi woo ndine  problem yechibereko*

[2/3, 10:19] ‪+263 78 335 7163‬: Wife is busy packing her clothes.

Man: And where are you going?

Wife: I'm moving to my mother.

Husband also starts packing.

Wife: And where do you think your going?

Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.

Wife: And what about the kids?

Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
🤣🤣🤣
Shared from (Book of Jokes). Download the app here https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=bookofjokes.app and brighten your day with a smile.
[2/3, 13:42] Chax2: *There is no defference between a Bar and a Bra.once these two are opened men go crazy,Now imagine a girl called Barbra*
*Kutanga this Saturday munhu wese kwaMwazha. Handidi kuita headache nenhau yechingwa.* 🏾
Bhazi reZUPCO rakachipa haro asi hamuna freedom of speech. Vanhu kunyarara kutii zii. Muna class monitor akabereka AK47 🤣🤣
Me: saca wazotii Tracy
Tracy: it cant am sorry
Me: why?
Tracy : Shelton you don't fit my personality and hauchinje hembe unenge ma power rangers

.

But ma bbe vanombodii

Tisikuda kuzoitwa so 
*Kutovhaira nemazamhu 2 , ko imbwa ine 8 yozodii...Ndapedza nemi regai ndimuke ndiende kubasa.NdiriSecurity*🥵🥵🥵
Gore rimwe nerimwe rine zvaro ndian aiziva kt mapurisa nemasoja achaita mahwindi emumaZupco🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Manga muchizviziva here kuti tsamwa inorira nekuright side chete???*🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Kudazvinhu ... mava kutozviedzaka???
Teacher: "Who is the president of Zimbabwe?"
Class: "Robert Mugabe"
Teacher: "Correct, and the minister of Defence?"
Class: "Chinotimba"
Teacher: "Correct, what is the capital city of Zimbabwe?"
Class: "Cashlibs"
Teacher: "Very good, and who composed the National Anthem?"
Class: "Alick Macheso & Tocky Vibes"
Teacher: Excellent, what do you call the people of Moscow?"
Class: "Mosquitoes"
Teacher: "Perfect, how much is 2+5 ?"
Class: "25."
Teacher: "That great, you're going to be stupid like this until your Government increase my Salary"

[29/01 10:25] ‬: Dear Wife,

Ndakatadza kudzoka kumba nezuro after taradzika gamba Tuku kuno kuMadziva ini nevamwe vakati changamukei takasarudzwa kuti tinhonge mapepa,kurongedza machair saka mangwana tinenge tichigova nhumbi ndozokuona chitatu.

Wako murume

Ba mwana
[29/01 10:53] ‬: Reply
Dear hubby
Shuwa imbobatai basa. Shamwari yenyu anga akandiudza pqakasvika zuro manheru kuti muchauya mapedza kugova nhumbi. Aiwa shamwari yenyu munhu anonzwisisa. Ndiye akatozoti achatichengeta kusvika mauya. Izvozvi akarara hake kumbozorora. Ko asi pijama renyu reBlue riya makatakura. Ndaida ambofanoshandisa iroro.
Ko daddy shuwa kugara kwataita kose uku hamundiudziwo kuti ndine kamhopo pasi pezamu. Dai pasina shamwari yenyu akatozokaona zuro.
Enjoy daddy. Fonai kana mosimuka kuuya.

Your loving wife

(29/01 11:10)
REPLY DEAR MAI MWANA,

PROGRAMME YAZOCHINJA IZVEZVI NDATOVA PA BUS STOP KUUYA KUMBA UNDITAMBIRE PA BUS STOP.
*KUDANANA NEPHOTO KUSVIKA PAKURAMBANA MUSINA KUONANA NDOZVIKUITA VAMWE VEDU PANO* ~KKKKKKKKKKKKK~🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🕺🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽CHINOBATA  VAZHINJI ICHI HAUSIWE WEGA
February  2019

S     M     T     W     T     F      S
                                       1      2
3      4      5      6     7     8      9
10   11   12         
   18   19    20    21   22 23
24   25    26   27    28

Matoibata nyaya yacho
*There is no defference between a Bar and a Bra.once these two are opened men go crazy,Now imagine a girl called Barbra*
Kurota ndabuda mugrup .veduwe musazondibudisa if anythiny happen. Ndi satan anoda kundiparadzanisa nemi.manje ndazviona pamweya.mumunyadzise.whether ndatyora mutemo sei.musambondibudisa

_Pliz help ndodii nemupfanha uyu aenda kutown izvozvi akundifonera kuti ndarasika. Ndochimubvunza  uripapi iye onditi ndiri paside pemunhu arikuti 'screen guard phone yese dollar."_

Joke of the Year

Munamato webenzi mwari ndokumbirawo mundichengete husiku huno masikati ndozvionera  A

Kkzzvllkk pane muface akaenda kumba
kwebabie kudinner,vapedza kudya mvura
yakatanga kunaya heavy zvikanzi namomz
webabie chingorara pano idzo
dzikabvuma.Momz vakaenda kunogeza
maplates,babie rabva ranowaridza bed idzo
dzikasara mudining.Momz nebabie
pavakadzoka vakaona musina
munhu,vakatsvaga vakamushaya.Vakazoona
munhu achipinda akatota zvekupenga babie
ndobva rabvunza kuti wanga uripi zvikanzi
`ndanga ndamboenda kumba kunoudza mama
vangu kuti handichakwanisi kuuya kuzorara
kumba nenyaya yemvura'

chibate bho chinopwanyika

Chinoz' wife said, "daddy imbwa dzepanext door dziri kunyanya kuita noise endai munotaura navo tave kutadza kurara." Chinoz wakes up, went there and returned after 15 mins bt the noise was now 3tyms more. Irritated, the wife asks 'ko noise yacho zvayatonyanyisa kasi mavatadza? Chinoz replied, "aiwa ndatora imbwa dzacho ndikadziisa muyard medu kuti vambonzwawo zvadzinoita...

             

➖➖kkk kkk ➖➖

Chinoz aienda kuBulawayo netrain, akabva adakurara ndokuudza mumwe mupfana ainge akagara naye pedyo zvikanzi'' mfanha ozondimutsa kana ndasvika ozondimutsa, Chinoz paakarara mfana uye akabva amugera bvudzi zvese nendebvu. Pavakasvika mfanha uye akabva amumutsa, chinoz akamuka nekuenda kutoilet paakazviona pamirror remutoilet kuti ahana ndebvu ne bvudzi akatanga kuseka achiti mfana uyu anopenga amutsa munhu asiriye.

kkkkkkk usafare wega fara nevamwe vashanu.

Happy Me, Happy Me
singing zvangu
Nhasi ndafara kwazvo!! Ndaenda ku New Start Centre kuno testwa ropa; Dai zvikaramba zvakadaro.
Ndawana pakavharwa!!
[

*Girl...hie cwty*

*Boy... fyn honey*

*Girl ....cwty ndipowo etym ye $2*

*Boy ....vfcdzdxvjh xdgujdsvfsi cvxaasvh jjjjczm*

*Girl....watii honey*

*Boy.....vvgeauip vxxgfssrt nczsrhklou*

*Girl...... Zvaukutaura handisi kuzvinzwa*

*Boy ......nbvtracjy mkgdaecbu bcxdyjldal hsgkoathn*

*Girl ..... tozotaura kana foni yako yakuita cwty*

*Boy....ibho bbie woswera bho*

*?🏻🏻🏻🏻nchakanyanya ichi chibate chichiri fresh*

*Ndaenda kwadoctor hanz
mira doro  madrinks  beef  pork  nezvese  zvinonaka ndikati ndirikurwara nei zvikanzi salary yako ishoma*

🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽zvasvikawo hre ikoko
"Respect pregnant women because it’s not easy walking around with evidence that you’ve had sex." - Robert Mugabe
*Today's* *tip*
*Kana* *uchirohwa* *nemkadzi* *unodya* *huchi* *hunobatsira* *kuti* *voice* *risaende* *kure* *pakuchema*
*Pastor vakati Varume varimuChurch ngavabvise mari inoenderana nerunako rwevakadzi vavo vamwe vakabvisa  US$100, vamwe US$200, vamwe US$500 & vamwe US$1000. Then baba Fay vakabvisa US$1, saka mufundisi vakati Mai Fay vacho ngavasimuke vaonekwe, pavakasimuka mufundisi vakati Yuhwiiiiii!! Baba Fay huyai mutore change 50c*

We are Zimbabweans
We call every whitish liquid Mukaka
Hatitombogaye

We call every sour milk
Lacto
We dont care

We can say go and buy half bread yechingwa
Hatina kana basa nazvo

-We call every toothpaste COLGATE
We don't  care

-We call every cold drink COKE
We don't care

-We steal your belongings and help you look for them
We are just like that

-We name our dogs TIGER or Spider
We don't care

-We eat a fruit an expect to be healthy at the same time
We don't care

-When electricity goes we go out and,check if it's the whole street
We are just like that

-We use a bar of soap till it looks like a Sim card
We don't have a problem
-We buy something,skip instruction&ask neighbors how it's used
We don't care
-We withdraw money from an ATM then count it 3x before going
We are cautious
-We lock the car then try to open it 2 times before going
We are like that

Zim to the fullest

-When we go out we turn on the lights just to confuse thieves
We are smart

Unoziva zvimwe zvisipo zvaunoita iwewe!!!!!

🏿‍♂🏿‍♀🏿‍♂
We are Zimbabweans
We call every whitish liquid Mukaka
Hatitombogaye

We call every sour milk
Lacto
We dont care

We can say go and buy half bread yechingwa
Hatina kana basa nazvo

-We call every toothpaste COLGATE
We don't  care

-We call every cold drink COKE
We don't care

-We steal your belongings and help you look for them
We are just like that

-We name our dogs TIGER or Spider
We don't care

-We eat a fruit an expect to be healthy at the same time
We don't care

-When electricity goes we go out and,check if it's the whole street
We are just like that

-We use a bar of soap till it looks like a Sim card
We don't have a problem
-We buy something,skip instruction&ask neighbors how it's used
We don't care
-We withdraw money from an ATM then count it 3x before going
We are cautious
-We lock the car then try to open it 2 times before going
We are like that

Zim to the fullest

-When we go out we turn on the lights just to confuse thieves
We are smart

Unoziva zvimwe zvisipo zvaunoita iwewe!!!!!

🏿‍♂🏿‍♀🏿‍♂
KUNE VANHU VAKABVA KU ZIMBABWE VAKENDA KU SOUTH AFRICA, UKATARISA MUMA GROUP MAZHINJI NDOMA ADMIN, Asi ndobasa racho ramakafambira ikoko here​

🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥 ndakukoniwai hangu🤷🏾‍♀🤷🏾‍♀🤷🏾‍♀🤷🏾‍♀🤷🏾‍♀

*HAMA YEPEDYO NDIYANI...!!!*

Hama yako chaiyo mudiwa wako... Kana uchida kuzviona enda unobvisa hembe pamberi pababa vako kana mai vako kana mwana wako kana hanzvadzi yako uone kuti pane anomira here ipapo, vese vano kutiza kuti wavakupenga asi bvisira mudiwa wako uone anobva atoswedera padhuze... Saka ndiye hama chaiyo yepadhuze iyoyo... Ndovhangeri rangu ranhasi iroro...!!! Yakadini hama yako

: Dating a girl with a big head is not a problem, the problem comes when she wants to sleep on your chest with that tombstone.... 

Not my handwriting 🤣🤣🤣

*Mkwasha*:maitabasa taguta
*Baba*: muchitendeiko tangoti tikuiterei zvekambudzi sevanhu vavasingachazive kushanya
*Mkwasha*: Tinotenda baba tadya
To *Mbuyawasha*: mopihwa matoothpick here?
*Mkwasha*: kwete isai mufridge tozomadya mangwana.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣vakwasha muriko hre ukooooo

Mface wako haasati ambogochawo beef ye $5 newe apa dzinza renyu rakamirira mombe 10 . Dzinobvepi  

(Not my handwriting)

*Pamafriends ako hapashaikwe one munhu wekuti dai aiveko the time Jesus converted water into wine, aizoswera zuva rese achimuteverera ne 20Litres yemvura achiti, "MaBoss chero mukandiitira masese haina pressure." 🤣*

Kana ukaona munhu auya masikati kumba kwako achitaura makuhwabatidza MA candles. Akabvunza kuti chii unoti *mumba mangu mapinda rima*

*VATENDI ARE YOU THERE*

Mukadzi anolocka phone yake arikuita misikanzwa. Murume anolocka phone yake arikuchengetedza rudo ne imba yake...... full stop nhasi handidi zvenharo ndikunzwa musoro.
Imagine your bae didn't have enough money for Val's day n he decided to bet the $20 he had on Chelsea kuti iwande

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*While your mother is praying that you should have a long life, you're in your boyfriend's house shouting ''ohh yes baby kill me''*   
God is watching
Bhora re Chelsea ratanga na 6 , ikabva yarohwa 6 yabva yaenda panumber 6. mukati haisiriyo 666 inotaurwa here iyi. 🤣🤣🏾🏾
If your name is Tinashe and you work in Harare(muFood World) your girlfriend (Grace) is cheating on you with your homie friend Thulani her friends are here in the bus(Zupco) talking about you.
🤣
#Pamberi_nekugadzirisa_nyika
*Shona Surnames*

*Caller:* _Hello may I please speak to Mr Shumba?_
*Receptionist:* _Sorry he is in a meeting with Mr Zhou._
*Caller:* _Who else can I speak with about a quotation?_
*Receptionist:* _Either Mr Bere, who is standing in for Mr Nyoka, or Mr Shiri._
*Caller:* _Thank you. Please connect me to either one of them. By the way, who am I speaking to?_
*Receptionist:* _Miss Shoko._
*Caller:* _Hey,is that a Company or a Zoo?_🤣🤣🤣
*unenge uchitembei kuroorwa nemurume mupfupi wekuti akagerwa zuda anoita kunge kabhodhoro ke Roll on,unoda kuzosheedza murume wani kuti akuisire bulb mumba mako*🤣🤣🤣
*Joke of the day 🤣🤣🤣🤣*

*Fata‍♀* ....huyai tidye nyama yenguruwe
*Mupostori🏻* ....Aah hatibvumidzwe kudya nyama yenguruwe
*Fata‍♀* ....kkk hamuziwe zvinonaka
_(Fata uya anga akuenda kumba_)
*Mupostori🏻*....Mufarise mukadzi newana kumba
*Fata‍♀*....Hatibvumidzwe kuita mukadzi
*Mupostori🏻*....kkkkk Hamuziwe zvinonaka

*Asingaziwe zvinonaka ndeupi apa*
*kana mukadzi wako achikutsiura nyaya yekuuya kumba husiku imbomu respecter uwuye makuseni*

HIDDEN TRUTH🤷‍♂

Kuisa murume wako paprofile mazuvano hazvichatadzisa kuti  tikupfimbe  takatombopinda ma toilets akanzi " STAFF ONLY".  
✍
*Imagine wasvika kudenga zvonzi na Mwari mari yawaibvisa ku church ndoyauchange uchishandisa* vamwe munofa nenzara
*Zvinhu zvinowanzoenda* *wakavarairwa* *muZimbabwe*
*1 magetsi*
*2 mvura*
*3 murume*

Ndapedza nemi.hapadi mubvunzo apa panongoda AMEN chete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Munhu akarambidza vakadzi kunyenga varume Mwari ave naye🤢🤢*
Nyange ndridofo ,handingambotadze kuziva kt  ruoko rwamambo nechirungu runonzi Handkachief
Haisi handwriting yangu
*Kutovhaira nemazamhu 2 , ko imbwa ine 8 yozodii...Ndapedza nemi regai ndimuke ndiende kubasa.NdiriSecurity*🥵🥵🥵

*Pasi pano pane vanhu vanezviwindi,, imagine kudanana nemunhu 1 ko akafuma akafa unodi*

🤳🏾 *INZWAIWO*

*STEP FATHER vs KIDS*

*Step father*:  Murikuita noise
*Kids*: Makasvika tichiita noise Mdhara  

*Following day!!!!!*

*Kid*: nhasi kuma sports ndavasiya vose pakumanya
*Step Father*: handiti wakangofanana nababa venyu vakatiza vakakusiyai 

*Then another day*!!!!,!,!

*Step father*: shangu dzangu dza dzatsemuka
*Kids*: hadzina kutsemuka chete dzinonhuwa

*Sometime later during the month*!!!!!,!

*Step father*:  ndichambosvika pama shops munoda
ndikuvigirei chii?
*Kids* Mutivigire baba vedu.. 

*Sometime later*!!!!!,!

*Step Father*:  kana wakura unoda kuzoita basa rei ?
*Kid*: ndinoda kuzorera vana vanenge vari vangu

*Step father*: ko nhai munofoyira ku chikoro chii chaizvo chamusinganyatso kunzwisisa ?
*Kids*: kuti makabvirei chaizvo kumukadzi wenyu 

*kana ndimiwo*🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣handifi ndakanyenga mvana
*CHIPO: Sei uchifarira doro rakarambwa nenhunzi chero bete chairo unosemesa!*

*Tindo: Utikwanire iwe doro rakanzwi no under wakamboona nhunzi inosvitsa 18 years here*

*MANCHESTER UNITED YOBUDIRA PAMUSHA KUNGE MUDZIMU*
2019 ikunaka guys. 1 Ndakadzidza kudya rice necabbage
2. Sadza nenyemba
3. Sadza nemutsine

Then today ndatozoona kuti Chimodho ne tomato sauce zvotonaka kaa 
*Ndimika munoti*  *TIME IS MONEY*" ndiudzeiwo kut *13:52pm imarii* kana ari ma *US*$
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Ndirikutogaya hangu kuti munhu akatanga kugadzira watch nguva dzacho akadzitorepi kuti azoziva kuti ndiyo correct time............ Ndirikudzamirwa nazvo*
*Kuvengwa nemunhu akuna kubvira nhasi.kwandiri ndakambonyorwa pamanoise makers kuchikoro asi musi wacho ndanga ndarovha*🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
🇼‌🇦‌🇸‌🇺‌

Tomboti wonyepera mukadzi kuti ndakuisa rukawo(central lock.after some days wonzwa akukuti monyeperei kuti makandilocker unoita sei.anenge aona sei kuti wakanyepa

🇼‌🇦‌🇸‌🇺‌
Tindo: Scarf inopfekerwei muhuro nhayi mama?                                                                                                 Mama: Inopfekwa kana kuchitonhora kuti mhuro musapindwe nechando.                                                             Tindo: Hoo , Ko sei vakuru vedu vachigara vakapfeka scarf  kuchipisa zvisingaite?                                                          Mama: Kubvira pavakadya ice cream  muhuro mavo ichando chega chega 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*kuIndia kunenge kunonetsawo network,kwakangoti zii nanhasi*🤣🤣
[2/13, 17:38] ‪+263 77 704 5765‬: Nhy varume ko muface uya ainzi masasi epa nhamo akaenda kupi
[2/13, 17:39] ‪+263 78 210 3600‬: Akarohwa nenhamo
[2/13, 17:40] ‪+263 77 704 5765‬: Finish

Mwar'wangu Jehovah wehondo 🤣🤣🤣
*Combi Driver vs Passenger*                     
*PASSENGER*--Mamuka sei?                                   
*DRIVER* ---Iwe hauzive kuti munhu anomuka sei, usaita seusina kumborara.                      
*PASSENGER* -- Yowe !!  inga zvakaoma.    

*DRIVER* -- uri kuenda kupi?                                 
*PASSENGER*-- ndiri kuende kuback seat asi hauoni?                     
*DRIVER*--ahh!! Usavhara door iro seuri kuvhara fridge yekumba kwenyu mhani!!!                              
*PASSENGER* --usandijairira , handisati ndambovhara frigde ndiri mukati mayo ini.     
*AFTER A WHILE*...

*PASSENGER*-Imarii combi?                             
*DRIVER*-- Kana uchida kuitenga i$4000                           
*PASSENGER*-- Ehh ndiri kureva kuti imarii kukwira local?
*DRIVER* -- $1              
*PASSENGER* -- ndoburukira  pane vasikana avo            
*DRIVER*--- saka kana vakafamba ndovatevera?                  
*PASSENGR* hameno ikoko chero wandisiya pandiri kuda                            

*_COMBI STOPPED..._*

*PASSENGER*   Ooo mari   mari yecombi     
*DRIVER*-- hey iwe!! $1 rakasakara soo?  
*PASSENGER* asi unoda kuripfeka??enda unorisonesa   
Kn uchida kuona kt vkdzi vevanhu varikuhura zvemhando yepamusoro pinda munzvimbo dzemafaro lyk machicken inn wotanga kufona zvebhaiz uchiti ehe mukadzi wko chaiye,haandizivi bt atorimuno machicken inn nechikomba shaaar rega ndivatore pic ndikusendere.unoona vanhu vachiita rumwe rumwe vachisiya zvikafu pamatafura woziva kt eeee ndadira bhara rejecha apa 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 musandipikise nhasi iVALE rega nditomboenda kuKFC ndogona kutobuda nehuku yatizwa neimwe couple 🏻‍♀🏻‍♀🏻‍♀🏻‍♀🏻‍♀🏻‍♀
Valentine Day is a day that carries curse rather than blessings.Its foundation was laid through the satanism spirit of both Nimrod and his wife Semiramis, the founders of Babylon which Rev. 18:2 describes as, " a home for demons and a haunt  for every evil spirit." While Semiramis was worshiped as the Moon goddess/Queen of Heaven,Isis,  or Mother Earth goddess, Nimrod was worshiped as:Sun-god,Osiris,Lupercus, Baal or underground god. Their worship was firmly grounded on sexual activities The Romans took  Nimrod's name Lupercus as the god whom they treated as the god of erotic love and had set February 14 to be a holiday whereby all activities in the nation focused on sexual orientation. It was a holiday of love. They also combined this with the sexual worship of the other god of love called Juno Februata and from whom the month of February was named. The worship of Lupercus was referred to as Lupercalia. The day was treated as one where everybody had a sexual license in honour of Lupercus, the god of fertility. in 496 AD Pope Gelasius "Christianized this day in honour of Saint Valentine and therefore called it "St. Valentine's Day." Valentine  was excuted by Emperor Claudius on February 14 in 3rd century AD. Pope Gelasius treated this saint as the patron saint of lovers and had the heart shape used for Valentine's Day celebrations. Note that Baal in Babylonian language  meant "heart". This is where the Valentine heart symbol originated. Red roses were the favourite flower of  the goddess Venus, which was as well treated as another symbol of Valentine's Day. Flower giving to lovers was highly esteemed.. Red was taken as the colour that signifies strong sexual feelings on Valentine's day. This then means that in whatever way one would celebrate Valentine's Day even simply saying, "Happy Valentine's Day" or wearing that red clothes in honour of Valentine's Day, one has automatically engaged himself/herself in the worship of Lupercus, Juno Februata,Baal,Mother Earth goddess,Osiris, etc. If you are a believer, WATCH OUT! It is all hooked into paganism. Google to find "Valentine and it paganism roots" or in whatever other way you would frame the sentence. It is by knowing the truth, that truth will set you free. MANY PEOPLE ARE ENTRENCHING THEMSELVES INTO BONDAGE for the love of money, immorality and all acts of covetousness.
Valentine Day is a day that carries curse rather than blessings.Its foundation was laid through the satanism spirit of both Nimrod and his wife Semiramis, the founders of Babylon which Rev. 18:2 describes as, " a home for demons and a haunt  for every evil spirit." While Semiramis was worshiped as the Moon goddess/Queen of Heaven,Isis,  or Mother Earth goddess, Nimrod was worshiped as:Sun-god,Osiris,Lupercus, Baal or underground god. Their worship was firmly grounded on sexual activities The Romans took  Nimrod's name Lupercus as the god whom they treated as the god of erotic love and had set February 14 to be a holiday whereby all activities in the nation focused on sexual orientation. It was a holiday of love. They also combined this with the sexual worship of the other god of love called Juno Februata and from whom the month of February was named. The worship of Lupercus was referred to as Lupercalia. The day was treated as one where everybody had a sexual license in honour of Lupercus, the god of fertility. in 496 AD Pope Gelasius "Christianized this day in honour of Saint Valentine and therefore called it "St. Valentine's Day." Valentine  was excuted by Emperor Claudius on February 14 in 3rd century AD. Pope Gelasius treated this saint as the patron saint of lovers and had the heart shape used for Valentine's Day celebrations. Note that Baal in Babylonian language  meant "heart". This is where the Valentine heart symbol originated. Red roses were the favourite flower of  the goddess Venus, which was as well treated as another symbol of Valentine's Day. Flower giving to lovers was highly esteemed.. Red was taken as the colour that signifies strong sexual feelings on Valentine's day. This then means that in whatever way one would celebrate Valentine's Day even simply saying, "Happy Valentine's Day" or wearing that red clothes in honour of Valentine's Day, one has automatically engaged himself/herself in the worship of Lupercus, Juno Februata,Baal,Mother Earth goddess,Osiris, etc. If you are a believer, WATCH OUT! It is all hooked into paganism. Google to find "Valentine and it paganism roots" or in whatever other way you would frame the sentence. It is by knowing the truth, that truth will set you free. MANY PEOPLE ARE ENTRENCHING THEMSELVES INTO BONDAGE for the love of money, immorality and all acts of covetousness.
Ndiri kunetsana nemudzimai izvozvi. Hanzi ko nhai Daddy kana taita mari totengeyi?
Ndamuti tinocheresa chibhorani
chekuti ukafa hama dzako hadzitori

🏾‍♂🏾‍♂🏾‍♂🏾‍♂🏾‍♂
Ndatiza ndiri kuRoad ndiri kutemwa nemaCup
For Immediate Release
Date: 16 February 2019
Ref: Dr Charles Mungoshi Passes Away

It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing away of our dearly beloved father, Dr Charles Mungoshi (71). He had been ill for ten years, from a neurological condition to which he succumbed this morning, at Parirenyatwa Hospital.
He was a prolific and multi-award winning novelist , poet , short story writer , actor who was internationally recognized and celebrated. He published 18books , which include Waiting for the Rain ( 1975), Ndiko Kupindana Kwemazuva(1975), Makunun’unu Maodza Moyo (1970),The Milkman Doesn’t Only Deliver Milk (1981), Inongova Njake Njake(1980), Coming of the Dry Season (1972)Branching Streams Flow in the Darkness (2013). Among other accolades, Dr Mungoshi twice won the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize of Best Book in Africa and was subsequently invited to meet the Queen of England , Queen Elizabeth. One of his poems was curetted by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation as a permanent display as public art at their new headquarters in Seattle, Washington, in US ,2011.In 2003 he was conferred an honorary doctorate degree by the University of Zimbabwe, after winning multiple awards which include Zimbabwe’s 75 best books where he appeared in the top five lists in both Shona and English categories.

We were honoured to have Dr Mungoshi , a quiet , deeply loving and caring husband to Jesesi, Father to Farai, Graham, Nyasha, Charles and Tsitsi and a grandfather to 7 young and lovely grandchildren.
Funeral details will be shared in due course.

Mourners are gathered at Number47 Uta St Zengeza 1

Mungoshi Family 0783837098
Munhu atengesera AMBUYA vangu gemenzi remapositori enguwo tsvuku achiti i dress re Valentine's day.Mwari ngaave newe
*Ndafonerwa nepolice 🏻‍  zvanzi kune case yangu?🤷🏾‍♂! Dai ikangoita yesugar 🤦🏽‍♂!*

*Wakamboitiswa stress ne relationship zvekuti chero taxi driver akakubvunza kuti urikuburukira papi unongomuti mwari ndiye anoziva 🤣🤣🤣*
dai zvainzi mu4n munopindika kutora hwahwa uhwu 🥃haaaa aitove ma1 waizongonzwa kuti nhingi nanhingi wakafira musumsung uyuwo kwazi wakafira muG.tel kkkkk hwahwa hauzi boe
*Imagine chatting with a beautiful gal at a wedding n u ar about to tek her number then yo Mum comes with a plate of rice n say Isa muplastic ndozvemanheru kumba *
*IS IT TRUE?*
MaZimba kana achida kutenga mota
haatorina basa netest drive, anongosvika
pamota oitenderera-tenderera otanga
kukika-kika mavhiri obva ati yaaaah ipombi
asekuru
🤣🤣🤣
QOUTE OF THE DAY
Ku kisser slender unoita sekunge urikuridza hwamanda

*kupa slender hug zvoita sekunge wakabata mutswi*

*Maslenda anopfeka Madhuku  haana Kusiyana  Ne Lolipop risati ravhurwa*🥓

Handisi rini futi 

Ko iwo maslender ambotadzei? 

*kaslender yellow born kakabvisa hembe kanoita kunge toothpick*🥢🥢

🏾🏾 ndakurara manje

Quote of the hour 

Slender kanovaraidza hatirambi but kana kava nenhumbu ungati i shato yamedza mbudzi 🏻🏻🏻🏻 

ndangoonawo kamwe kaslender quote lol

*Kidnapping of slim girls should be considered as cable theft*

Maslender kusvika matsvaga hutano

*Slender rikarova all white ne timberland roita se  mudzanga we madison*

Kdanana nemkadzi mtete (slander) kwakanaka zvisingiti ukashaya zvekuita unoverenga mbabvu

*kaslender kakapfeka flat cap ungati ibadza*
⛏

*kupa hug slender unoita kunge uku locker gedhi uri panze*🧮

Nhasi ma slender
Ndawedzera kusakwana manje🏻🏻‍♀

*slender harina comfort rinenge ma seats e bus re AVM*

Chiff ndini ndadaro🏻‍♂

*ka slender unosvika kutsapfu uchitsvaga magaro* 🦵🏼🦵🏼

kaslender kakareba kanondifungidzisa nguva yeipwa

*kuenda neka slender ku lake unoita kunge ukuda kunokashandisa se worm kubata hove*🦈

Enjoy Vale _ _simão_ com ✔
*If you think all China products are fake try their poison*

*Unonzwa munhu achiimba muchechi kuti"Baba nditumei nyika dzose " Apa haana kana passport. Haisi miyedzo here iyoyo*

*I won't stop smoking weed until someone andiratidza Z ari pana Susan*

*Wotonzwa munhu achiti hauna kupedza chikoro ko ndini ndaichivaka here* 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

*Guys musanyeperwe kuti kana usina Maths hauna kwaunoenda izvezvi nditori MuChegutu*

*Qoute of the day*

Unotonzwa munhu achiti handidye zvinhu zvekunhonga,otoshaya kuti iwo masawu aanenge achidya *anenge aburwa mu oven here*

Quote of the day !!!

Netumwewo tunorara pa floor unonzwa bbe im still in bed

      
Quote*

Wotonzwa rimwe richinyemwerera rikanzi nemusikana... gud nyt .Angels on your pillow... apa rakatsamhira jacket

Ndakachinzwao pane rimwe grp. Musachishambadze ndingadzingwa!!!!

Pullooooooooooh
*MUSAONE kunyarara mukati hatipo......*
```Mufundisi akati titambe neshamwari``` *dzinovaka,* ```zvino imi hamusi mabhiridha saka ndirikuswera kumaNew stands``` *kuri kuvakwa*

ZESA have released a notice that there will be no power at all on the 29th, 30th and the 31st of February.
Please prepare for this. It's Nationwide.
*Ndawatsurwa zimbama nekamwana mukombi.Zvikanzi naamai vacho,"Ndo zvaanoita chenjerai kuti ano kupamhai"*

Kana ndimiwo
Linda: Hesi John kuno kwaipa, tirikuuya kumba kwenyu ne mimba mdhara azviona kuti ndiri pregnant.
Ras Blatto: Wamuudzawo here kuti payayibuda ndiwe wayiidzosera..??
Linda:🤦🤦🤦...Blatto kwana wazvinzwa
*wakamboita mkomana akaomera zvekuti kana uchida kuswera naye unoita seuchatakura lunchbox inesadza*🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Jah Signal VS Winky D on WhAtSaPp

Jah Signal: Ndeipi mukoma Winky
Winky D: Boe mafana cy ikoko
Jah Signal: Ka song kenyu kemugarden makakarova big kari kufarirwa
Winky D: Kkkkkk
Jah Signal: Ko kasikana kaya makatorova stonyeni here big?
Winky D: Kkkkkk ko izvozvo zvapinda papi mufana wami?
Jah Signal: Ndanga ndichida kuto mbopindao nako mugarden
Winky D: Kkkkkk uno zozvigona here mfana wami? Aka kasiyana netuya tweMasvingo twamairova husiku hwese
Jah Signal: OK big tichaitaura mangwana
Winky D: Urare boe

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🏾🏾🏾🏾🏾🏾🏾
Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, 'Could you pass me the honey?...Honey.'
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, 'Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar.'
So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, 'Pass me the pork...pig.'🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Never let people treat you like Telegram . They only want you when they have a problem or when the official Bae is unavailable.*☹☹
*When I give you a lift in my car, stop greeting people through the window..... Zvinopedza fuel*

🤣🤣🤣🤣
*The fact that you don't participate in this group does not mean you are BUSY or MATURE, Sometimes it's because you have serious issues with spellings*.
_*I won't mention names...*_
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

: Dating a girl with a big head is not a problem, the problem comes when she wants to sleep on your chest with that tombstone.... 

Not my handwriting 🤣🤣🤣

*Mkwasha*:maitabasa taguta
*Baba*: muchitendeiko tangoti tikuiterei zvekambudzi sevanhu vavasingachazive kushanya
*Mkwasha*: Tinotenda baba tadya
To *Mbuyawasha*: mopihwa matoothpick here?
*Mkwasha*: kwete isai mufridge tozomadya mangwana.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Vakwasha muriko hre ukooooo

Mface wako haasati ambogochawo beef ye $5 newe apa dzinza renyu rakamirira mombe 10 . Dzinobvepi  

(Not my handwriting)

*Pamafriends ako hapashaikwe one munhu wekuti dai aiveko the time Jesus converted water into wine, aizoswera zuva rese achimuteverera ne 20Litres yemvura achiti, "MaBoss chero mukandiitira masese haina pressure." 🤣*

 *Magariro andaita mugrup muno makufanira kundipawo mukadzi chero wemunhu*🏻🏻🏻‍

Kukumbira zvangu
*Nezuro ndakadya muriwo unedovi manje ndakaita problem yekurara ndakavhura muromo gonzo rikapinda mudumbu zvino ndava nepfungwa mbiri kuti ndomedza kiti here kana kumwa mushonga wemakonzo*

*Kana kuti ndomedza chirimbani*
*When I give you a lift in my car, stop greeting people through the window..... Zvinopedza fuel*

🤣🤣🤣🤣
*But kana uri mkadzi uchida kuona kuti hakuna April fools day ingoti daddy ndakanyengesa musipo*......
Hubby: mai mwana ko muri kutsvagei mubhaibheri?
Wife: ndiri kutsvaga verse rinotaura kuti Eva aiwachira nekubikira Adam
Hubby: ibva wangobatanidza nekutsvaga rekuti Adam aipa Eva mari yeku gadzirisa musoro, nzwara nezvimwe zvakadaro

Nhamo yangu iyi yekuRenter one room umm ma 1 , haumirire kuudzwa kuti mafuta apera ,
unongoona wega wakarara pamubhedha 

🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣unotoona murume mukuru achiona  bhora ku small house achiti , referee is cheating🤷🏽‍♂
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Imikaimi  kwanai🤣🤣
*The fact that you don't participate in this group does not mean you are BUSY or MATURE, Sometimes it's because you have serious issues with spellings*.
_*I won't mention names...*_
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*AKUPA DZIDZO NDEWAKO*

_Manga muchizviziva here kuti kurara kusvika masikati kunobatsira kusaver mari yebreakfast_

🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hanzi Jah Prayzah abuditsawo yake song  yasamson nadelilah but akuramba kugerwa..

Munodarireiko 
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. 'What's going on here, anyway?' he asked.
'This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!' one of the crowd responded.
'Wait,' yelled Jesus. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
'Aw, c'mon, Dad...' Jesus cried, 'I'm trying to make a point here!'
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. 'What's going on here, anyway?' he asked.
'This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!' one of the crowd responded.
'Wait,' yelled Jesus. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
'Aw, c'mon, Dad...' Jesus cried, 'I'm trying to make a point here!'
*Murume* *wamai* *chisamba* *achirova* *stonyeni* *anogona* *kungonzi* *chiringa* *zuva* *chiye chabva* *chatsvuka* *chikakwata* *ngatisanganei* *muchikamu* *chinotevera*
🕺🏽🕺🏽🕺🏽🕺🏽mari yedu yachinja Zita bond ranga rationesa moto better yakunzi rtgs dollar🤣🤣🤣Rtgs dollar means real trouble getting serious dollars
*🤦🏾‍♂wakambopindwa ne whatsapp Zvekuti Mai vachikubvunza kt sugar waiisa pai unoti huyai ku inbox*
*A      man      4gets     to     zip     up     his       trousers ,     so     a     lady      tells    him     politely,   sir    ur     garage      is  open.  The    man    gave    her    a    naughty      smile     as    he     zips      up    and     asks,    Did     u    see    my    BLACK RANGE  ROVER       SPORT parked inside? .    The    lady      smiles  back     and       says    no   just     one     small     Toyota vitz     with   two    Flat   tyres*

*Joke of the day*

*Husband*:   round iyi wainzwa here?

*Wife*:     ndogoinzwa nepapi maita hwejongwe

*Husband*:    saka ndopamha?

*Wife*:    haa regai ndozozviona mangwana kubasa

Chourayisa ichi  🏽MAGAFAAA
*Endaika munofano ndibikirawo kumba kwangu.poto munotarisa mutoilet ndaikanganwa pandanga ndichimukwesha.mubvise brush remuchemba riri mupan yemuriwo.poto yesadza iri mubhini ndairasa pamwechete nepampa remwana. Madomasi ari pasi pemubhedha kuti akasire kuibva. Maonyeni arimubhutsu kuti asakasike awora. Plz musakanganwe kugeza maoko mungandidyise tsvina*

Chabve gokwe🏽‍♂🏽‍♂🏽‍♂🏽‍♂🏽‍♂🏽‍♂
*Wakamboitiswa stress ne relationship zvekuti chero taxi driver akakubvunza kuti urikuburukira papi unongomuti mwari ndiye anoziva 🤣🤣🤣*
*kana mukadzi wako achikutsiura nyaya yekuuya kumba husiku imbomu respecter uwuye makuseni*

*Kusaziva kufa zvokwadi*
*Izvezvi ndanga ndakatotsamwa kuti mukomana wangu haana kunditengerawo present paValentine's Day*
*Ndatozofara andiudza kuti aiwa ........Valentine's Day yemusiwa 14 February ndeye veHarare....... isu veGokwe yedu iriko musiwa 30 February .....*
* haaa ndafara zvokuti, ndanga ndakatogumbukira mukomana wangu nekusaziva mufunge*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 heyo Gokwe yenyu iyo
Waunoda haakude. Anokuda haumude Waunoda wacho ane wakewo waanoda asingamudewo futi🤣🤣🤣 Ukazvifungisisa ungatoite dzungu, kutenderera musoro chaiko.Ini pandatanga kuzvifunga kuti wangu wandinoda kudai uyu saka wake waanoda ndiyani, kutaura kuno ndiri busy kuzvitracer
Itai henyu yamuri kuita ikokoini busy kutsvaga anodiwa ne wangu wandinoda
*How can a man hurt such a beautiful & sweet girl like you?" Says a MAN who wants to finish you OFF.*

If you know, you know.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
🏽‍⚕
*Sure kudhakwa zvekusvika pakusangana nemusikana akanaka woti*
:: *Nice pic*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 *Yadzoka futi GOKWE*
*SEX* is my best *enemy*,
*BUT* the *BIBLE* Say's *love* your *ENEMY*

*kutongorova yekedero ndingadii*

Dai sikarudzi ye vakadzi yaiita kunge whatsapp woona remukadzi wako rakanzi : *last seen 02:30 am* iwe uri kubasa panight shift kana kuti rakanzi *online* kkkkkkvamwe vaizvisungirira.

*Pulooooooooooo!!!*
ichichanga chandi overtakerungati kudii  nazvo
Rufaro kwamuri
Rufaro kwamuri
Rufaro kwamuri

*Ndinoreurura kuita chimumumu mugroup ndichingoverenga maChats evamwe chete.*

Rufaro kwamuri
*ndehupi hutsvina hwaunoita wega mumba menyu kana mako usina anenge achikuona but iwewe mumoyo mako unonyatsoziva kuti hutsvina*??????????

*Question of the day ladies tipirei tiseke*
#stolen
! Yuuwi Nhaimaiwee Kani Uuuummmm iiiiiiiiii Ava Ndamai Peter Vaidaro  ...
¶Ba Peter ::-Simudzira Gumbo Inyatso Pinda. ¶Mai Peter ::-Uuuumm Ndasimudzira Irikuramba Kupinda Plzy Irikurwadza
¶Ba Peter ::-Ita Kusimukira Pamwe Inga Pinde.
¶Mai Peter::- iiiiiiiiiiiii Yowe Uuuummm Mandikuvadza Kana Yaramba Bvisai...
Apo Vaimanikidza Bhutsu Yekuleft Kugumbo Rekuright***..kkk hausi wega uno mhanysa bren!!wafungei.kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk laugh with others 
*MKADZI AKAZIVA KUTI HAUNA SMALL HOUSE ANEKAKUDHEERERA KAANOITA SO*
*Ndikungorota ndichichata nemunhu wepagroup pano but anenge akavharwa kumeso, pandonzi chivhura kumeso ndobva ndapepuka zvava nemazuva pliz kana uripo huya ku box titaurirane sevanhu vakuru than kunditambudza kudaro*
Teacher.John kumba kwenyu ndiani mudiki
John.ndibaba
Teacher.nei wadaro
John.nekuti ndivo vachiri kuvata namhamha

Kkkk usaseke wega kkkkk������������kkk
*Hanzi munhu akanaka haararame. Saka iwewe uri kurarama wotoziva kuti uri mboko*.

*Chapotsa chandiuraya ichi*. 
Teacher Akaisa doromundiro, akaisa mvura mune imwe ndiro.

Akati kuvana,  "mutarisise  kuti imbwa ichamwei pakati pezvinhu izvi."      Imbwa  ndokumwa mvura ikanhuwidza doro ndokusiya. Zvikandzi nateacher , "madzidzei?" Mumwe  mwana akati, "tafunda  kuti asinganwi doro wese imbwa."

⚒⚒⚒⚒
Sando kumwana

Mhanya nacho kunerimwe group, ini kwandabva ndasiya iri nyonga nyonga pagroup rekuchurch nemadzimai eruwadzano
Chimbosekawo...kkkk

Ndango svika mumba me girlfriend yangu ndichangobva kugara pachair, tanzwa knock padoor, zvikanzi nechimoko pinda musaga, pinda musaga chopas. Saga ranga riri paside pemubhedha. Ndichingopedza kuzvirongedza musaga, chimoko chavhura door muchinda achibva apinda, nyaya dzakatanga kutaurwa dzakaita kuti ndiite doubt kuti murume wake, ndikati ichi ndechimwe chikomba chete. Ndakufunga kuda kubuda musaga muye. Door rakabva ravhurwa, samusha ndiye pindikiti. Chimwe chikomba chakagara pachair, ini ndiri musaga. Ndakanzwa chimoko chaakuti, "Daddy, ava ndiBaba vanotengesa madhumbe saka ndavaudza kuti nhasi handina mari vanozodzoka next week. Saka apa vanga vachitokumbira zvavo mvura vakutobuda."

Pakamboita karunyararo. Ndokubva ndazonzwa chimoko chiya choti kune chimwe chikomba chiya, "Mukwasha ndokuonai next week. Takurai zvenyu saga renyu muende".
Muface aka ndikanda pafudzi tafamba tafamba ndokubva ndonzwa mufesi uya aakuti, "Nyaya yedu yechihure iyi. Ndaakungotakuriswa zvandisingazive!"
Iniwo ndokubva ndapindura ndikati,  "At least uri kuona kwauri kuenda, ko ini ndiri musaga

🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄
*Pane munhu akaisa profile picture yegirl friend yangu pavanhu vari muno mugroup apa ndiri kutya kumubvunza?.*
Pamwe mukadzi wake

Child: *"Mhama pane zvaitika pamange musipo."*
Moms: *"Chii mwanangu?"*
Daddy:  *"Iwe! Iwe! Nyarara apa!"*
Moms: *"Taura ndikupe mazepe."*
Child: *"Pauya musikana akanaka panapa."*
Moms: *"Musikana?! Auya nani?"*
Daddy: *"Ndakuti nyarara. Wazvinzwa?"*
Moms: *"Nditaurire mwanangu akanaka."*
Child: *"Mhamha apinda mubedroom menyu musikana wacho."*
Daddy: *"Kunyarara unei mwana iwe?"*
Moms: *"Taura ndikupe chocolate mwanangu."*
Child: *"Daddy vabvisa musikana hembe dzese."*
Daddy: *"Iwe!!!!"*
Moms:  *"Bva vaitasei?"*
Child: *"Bva, bva, bva, bva vvaita zvamunoita nasekuru Steven kana daddy vasipo."*
Daddy: *"Heeeeee!!!!!!?"*
Moms: *"Wasonzi nyarara kare kare nababa vako haunzwe! Unoda kurohwa mwana iwe."*
Vari joza boys rangu mazuva ano kukunhongwa chii kumapurazi tizobatsirana
hanzi muroora akatemwa nemusoro murume ariharare mai kwakufona kuti mukadzi arwara murume kwakuuya kwakupinda mumba mune murwere vakazobuda mukadzi akutomhanya mhanya kubika apa murume zip yakashama mai kwakuti wakunzwa sei muroora murume akati apora ndamuigira mapiritsi mai kwakuti chivhara pharmacy mwanangu 
Wife: ndipeiwo mari   ndoda kutenga braa
Husband: unoidii une tumazamu tudiki
Wife: imi makatenga mini brief ndakambotaura here🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bofu raifamba rakasenga chirema pamashoulders
Vakasvika parwizi paigezwa nemadzimai 
Bofu:
" panevanhu varikugeza hre apooooo"
Chrema:waziva sei nhy sahwira sezvinonzi unoona?
Bofu: kkkkkk
Ndanzwa nemboro yako kundibaya pamutsipa wangu ndikaziva kty vasahwira vangu vaona beche cheteePulooooo musadheerere beche
*A politician went to a village for campaign, he then asked the villagers to mention two of their main problems in the village, they informed him that one of their problem is lack of qualified medical doctors, the politician quickly brought out his cell phone and pretended to be making call.  He later on told them "your problem is solved. What is the next problem? "  they said we dont have network in the village. !!!*
*Vana vemazuva ano havazivi kuti tairohwa (ivo vasati vazvarwa)*

*1. Kuchema kana warohwa kwairovesa*
*2. Kuchema usina kurohwa kwairovesa*
*3. Kusachema kana warohwa kwairovesa futi*
*4. Kumira vakuru vakagara pasi kwairovesa*
*5. Kugara pasi vakuru vakamira kwairovesa futi*
*6. Kufamba famba pakagara vakuru kwairovesa*
*7. Kupindura munhu mukuru kwairovesa*
*8. Kuramba wakanyarara munhu mukuru achitaura newe kwairovesa*
*9. Kugarisa nguva yakareba usina kurohwa kwairovesa futi*
*10. Kuimba wabva kutsiurwa kwairovesa*
*11. Kusakwazisa vaenzi kwairovesa*
*12. Kudya chikafu chabikirwa vaenzi kwairovesa futi*
*13. Kuchemera kuenda nevaenzi kwairovesa stereki*
*14 .kutorohwa kwairovesa futi*

*Tairohwa kani* 
Hanzi naMadam ibvai pano endayi kunevamwe varume Ndikati varikuma small house
zvikanzi kwanai tigarirei pasofa ipapo..
*Ndri kungorota ndiri admn wegrup rino zuva nezuva aaaa admn wepano kana muchida kundipa chigaro musaite zvekuuya kuhope  chingouyai titaure sevanhu vakuru kubox*
Zvirito zviroto ngazviperere mukurota

🤣🤣
[9:56pm, 2/23/2019] ‪+263 71 732 3333‬: *Ndri kungorota ndiri admn wegrup rino zuva nezuva aaaa admn wepano kana muchida kundipa chigaro musaite zvekuuya kuhope  chingouyai titaure sevanhu vakuru kubox*
[11:00am, 2/24/2019] 🥇First Officer 🥇: Zvirito zviroto ngazviperere mukurota

🤣🤣
*ChiRungu* *chinongonakidza* *uchitaurira* *mumoyo.Kungoda* *kuvhura* *muromo* *chinobva* *chaita* *round* *off* *to* *the* *nearest* *mother* *tongue*
*Mwana wemuvakidzani wangu akapassa grade 7 ndikashaya Jongwe rangu* 
[11:31am, 2/24/2019] ‪+27 84 095 3599‬: *ChiRungu* *chinongonakidza* *uchitaurira* *mumoyo.Kungoda* *kuvhura* *muromo* *chinobva* *chaita* *round* *off* *to* *the* *nearest* *mother* *tongue*
[11:31am, 2/24/2019] ‪+27 84 095 3599‬: *Mwana wemuvakidzani wangu akapassa grade 7 ndikashaya Jongwe rangu* 
Fish Hooks!

A  young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job "You start tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida,   one   sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
Takanzi Bond i USA  tikanyarara,Tikanzi Masoja mapurisa tikati tazviona,tikanzi zve Inter Africa i ZUPCO tikangotarisa  ikozvino taakunzi Bond i RTGS.

Guys I think kudzidza hakusisina basa muZimbabwe, cz hatichatenderwa kufunga zviri normal
Mangudya's Summary of Monetary Policy Statement announced yesterday:

*“Zimbabweans shingai, kwatabva ndokure, kwatiri kuenda ndokwa takabva.”*

Rest in peace Our beloved Honourable Vice President of Zimbabwe.makarwa kurwa kwakanaka.The role you played during your time was great.You will sadly missed  Mudhara wethu,Joshua Nkomo.
                                                                                    

Handidi zvangu zvekupikiswa kana mibvunzo please nekuti pawakafa ndanga ndisina foni
If you don't believe the existence of ʍaɢɨċ   try sending this message to another group and watch the red Apple change position.
ا

true!!!!!
*Ndarambwa ne babe nhasi. Hanzi tambo haisi kusvika ku paraffin. Zvinorevei nhai?*🤣
Chinoz neshamwari yake planned kuisa bomb
pasi pemota yevamwe minister weopposition.

Varipo pasi pemota shamwari yacho says to Chinoz
"unoziva here kuti bomb rinogona kuputika tichiri
pano pasi pemota". Chinoz replies " dont worry, ndine
rimwe"
_Wakambo svika pama 2kg eshuga nemukadzi unopedzisira wati mondiwana panze, achitsvaga 2kg hombe pane dzimwe_ 《🤷🏽‍♂》
*If you feel jealous each time you see your friend progressing, repeat this prayer after me:*

"I am a witch"  Amen!!
🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥
🏽‍⚕
*I was shocked when l saw my uncle wearing Earrings & l asked him: “Are you a gay uncle?. He replied and said, “I started wearing them the day my wife found them in my car, l said they are mine”*

*Munhu akapa sis vangu maruva emuboora achiti Italian roses pavale Mwari ave naye*
Wadiwa Razaro

Chekutanga ndinoti unofara here? Isu haiwa, njanji chaiyo. Wakaita basa chaizvo nemosquito net yawakatumira, zvokwadi haticharumwe nemosquito. Dambudziko rasara ndere inda kuno. Dai wachitigonera watitumirawo indanet yatinongonzwa nevamwe

Ungaita basa mwanangu

Ndini baba vako

Shoni Timba
*Mabhazi achinetsa, vamwe ambuya vari pachiteshi, bhazi parakauya vakaita chipatapata kupinda mubhazi nevamwe vose, vachidzvanydzirana.* *Zvakaitika kuti zip yeskirt yakabva yavhurika ukuwo vasina bhurugwa mukati, ndokubva murume aiva shure kwavo ati dzawira mutswanda,* *ndokuvhura yakewo zip. Pasina nguva ambuya vaye vakanzwika voshevedzera kuti "Hezvo, hezvo,* *hezvo!! Nhaimi i pressure rudzii inonaka kudai???*

*Ndarambwa ne babe nhasi. Hanzi tambo haisi kusvika ku paraffin. Zvinorevei nhai?*

(🏿    ---    🏿)

Economy yawoma zvekuti kana varoyi vaimbopa vanhu chikafu kuhope vakamira 
*In a relationship, the one with the short replies is the one in control & the one with long texts ndiye akaperera*

Lets review our relationships vamwe muchachema
*Ndafonera momz kumsha ndkat hanz naPastor wekuchurch kwedu ndne spiritual husband, zvkanz Belyndah mwanangu huya naye timuone chatoda mari*

🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
*Mukanzwawo kunonyoreswa porno mundiwudzewo ndakagarira chipo kuno🤢*
Tombosasa  nevakaenda  ku xool

Pliz kana Uri dofo  nyarara  ndatenda hangu

*VANHU VAZHINJI* *VAKONIWA ANSWER* *IPAPA*
*REGA TIMBOONA IWE*
*NHASI NDONAKIDZWA* *HANGU*
*Chii chopinda muWeek* *ka2 mu year ka1*
_Kujaira basa kwakaoma Mai Chisamba vakagara havo naBaba Chisamba zvikanzi nababa i love u babie with all my heart zvikanzi namai Chisamba mashoko makukutu ataurwa nababa varoverei maoko ndomafungiro avo_
*Mwana*akazoti kuna momz vake fembera fembera mukosho chii apa vatezvara vakagara pabenji* 
ndipoo song ya *Wink D naKirsty Coventry* yekuti *handirare mugarden menyu futi*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣haaaaaa gokwe ndaitadza ini
*🛑CHIZIVISO KUVASIKANA* 🛑

Musabvuma kunyengwa nevakomana maskat nekut vakomana chaivo tinenge tirikubasa
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Moudzana udzana!!!!!
JOKE OF THE YEAR

Ndabvunza mbuya wangu 🤶kuti sei musingadi kushandisirana nesu ma spoon🥄 kana ma cup? zvikanzi hazvigoni ,vana vemazuvano modya mboro kukunda sadza ,🤣🤣🤣 nanhasi ndakangoshama muromo 
Hanzi vanhu vese vakashata varikusungwa wotongerwa LIFE IN JAIL ndarwadziwa pandafunga nezvako ndikati saka i'm going to miss u forever nekufara kwanga tichiita tese pawhatsapp any way ugarisane nevamwe zvakanaka kujeri ikoko.

🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿

Chibateyi icho
🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿

Duta Quote of the Day

All beautiful relationships do not depend on how well we understand someone; instead they depend on how well we manage the misunderstanding.

*Use Duta to translate from one language to another. Add to group: +15107597483. Follow instructions*
*Kungoita 3days uchienda kugym wakuda kufamba wakavhura maoko hanzi  monya,tine 30yrs tichisvira  wakambona tichifamba tichikoira*
*Jesus fed 2700 women and never demanded sex, iwewe kungotenga 6 pack hunters wakuda kutorova stonyeni*

*Dai Adam naEva vasina kutadza dai kutaura kuno tichitogerwa choya kubarber*

*Vakandibhowa stereki*
*chisiri chako masimba mashoma, ndakwira mota ye  ma next door angu, ndaudzwa kuti ndisa dongorere ne window zvinopendza fuel*🤥🤥
*Zimboz So:*
Toilet - Toyaz
Pregnant - Pregaz
Church - Keraz
Laptop - Lepaz
Night - Nhelaz
Hunger - Ken'az
Kwekwe - Kwelaz
For Real - Reaz
DVD - Divaz
Area - Areaz
Drunk - Dhakwaz
No - Mayaz
Captain- Kepaz
Funeral- Finaz
Quality- Kwalaz
Fire-Fayaz
Chilling-Chillaz
Grandma-Gogaz
Grandpa- Khulez
Raw- Yekez
Morning - monaz
No problem - softaz
Auntie - tetaz
Brother in-law - tsanoz
Degree- digoz
Manheru-Deepaz
Situation-Sichaz
Town-Tonaz
Zimbabwean-Zimboz
Wekuziva - Weketaz

Mazimboz ndakutadzai..muri Mayaz🏿🏿🏿
_*Ndiri teacher weECD pliz vana mai isirai vana majuice anonzwika kwete kuwanza mvura unonzwa rakati nhoooo risinganaki*_
☹
*I swear if married men become faithful to their wives today 99% of girls will die of hunger* 
Ukahura ukabatwa ingoti “Ndakakanganisa ndiregerere.” Simple.
Dont make a fool out of us by saying “I made a mistake”. Mistake?.
A mistake is getting a red pen instead of a blue one, a mistake is writing 546 instead of 564...thats a mistake.
Kwete kunyenga, kudiwa, kufona, kuronga appointment, kubooker lodge, kunomutora, kupinda naye muroom, kubvisa mabrugwa, kurova zvinhu, kunomudroppa. Zimistake rakareba kudaro?. Uite mushe iwe!
*Ko kana ukakwereta mari kuna bhururu wako, uchida kutengera vaenzi usavi, shamwari yako iya yobva yakupa zveshuwa, wotenga huku nemadomasi ,neOnion, wosvika kumba wopa madam kuti vabikire Sekuru vanenge vauya*

*Muchangotanga kudya Bhururu wako uya obva asvika nemukadzi nevana vake vatanhatu ,oti tati regai tinoona Sekuru vauya , pakudya apa nyama yese yobva yatopera nemhuri yake*

*Mubvunzo wangu unoti, pa$20 yawakwereta , unomudzosera yese here kana kuti unobvisa chero $10 yaakadya wo nemhuri yake*

🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Mumwe murume aiva bofu akashanyira mukoma wake kutown airoja 1 room ndokuwana mukoma asipo maiguru vachigeza. Akavamirira ndokupedza vakapinda vakamonera tauro ndokukwazisana havo vakabvisa tauro vachitemba kuti babamnn ibofu kwava kuzora mafuta namakumbo vachikotama vakafuratira  bamnini nyaya dzichitsva.* *Ndokuti mafunga kuzotishanyirawo bmnini.* *Ivo vakati hongu ndauya kuzokuudzai kuti ndavakuona ndakazorapwa maziso*

🏿  
     
Abbreviation for chibuku....✍🏻 
     C•....chinwa
     H•....hako
      I•.....iwe
     B•.....benzi
     U•.....udhakwe
     K•......kuti
     U •.....ufe

Changa chandijamba 🤣🤣🤣🤣 ipawo vanonwa bt chenjera kurohwa ‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂ndikutomhanyiswawo kno

          From @ tawedzerwa mashoko....✍🏻
*If she gives u her number & then ignores yr calls, jus stick her number on poles and write "rooms to rent"    "we fix fridges, tvs, microwaves etc"  ......unganetseke bro....*
JOKE OF THE DAY

*There are five friends named*
*Somebody*, *nobody,* *mad, stupid and fool*
*Somebody and nobody were fighting*
*Somebody killed nobody*
*Mad quickly called the police*
*Mad: Hello sir*
*Police: can we help you*
*Mad: yes somebody just killed nobody*
*Police: are u stupid!!*
*Mad: no, stupid is in the bathroom bathing*
*Police: are u mad!!!*
*Mad: yes am mad*
*Police: you must be a fool!!!*
*Mad: no, fool is the one reading this message*

 
 *Am sorry but I was also a victim.... and I can't be a fool alone*
*Share.... to have more fools*
AMAI: Nhai baba vemwana kupfekedza mwana napukeni muchirungu kunonzi kudini?
BABA: Haa apa ndakaroora mukadzi zidofo chairo.
AMAI: Tiudzeika imi makadzidza.
BABA: Kutadza kungoti kidnapping
 Changa chandijamba
*Vaskana vese vakaisa maHalf pic paprofile  or maFace chete muri shapeless or mune nhumbu!!!*

*My battery is low sarai muchipopota henyu.*

     
*Kudanana nebabie rine nharo hazvina kusiyana nekutamba bhora ne safety shoe*
*wakambonetsana namomz paden here zvekusvika pakusaver ## dzavo kut mwana wagogo*  🤭🤭🏻

Boy : Coming
Girl ‪‬: Kupi
Boy : Ikoko
Girl ‪: Baba vangu varipo, I don't want to introduce munhu asiri serious kwavari,tikarambana ndozoti chii
Boy: Unoti akafa

_*Mazuva ano hazvinetse kana Madam vachikurambidza kutamba ne shamwari dzako vachiti dzinokufurira  chitamba nedzavo idzodzo Kkkkkk*_.......
*Case Closed*

*Restaurants should provide a private room where we can deal with bones properly. I hate pretending*

🤨🤨🤨
*Ndirikutogaya hangu kuti munhu akatanga kugadzira watch nguva dzacho akadzitorepi kuti azoziva kuti ndiyo correct time............ Ndirikudzamirwa nazvo*
Ko Winky D zvaaimboti haabvise chi hat chiye ....ko pa mu garden hwfar ?
Mozoti taisakuudzai

Kwaita special offer kuKoala yenyama, drum remaziso emombe $4
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me the night she text
me, "Baby am going out with my friend Regina"
While her friend Regina was sleeping on my bed... 
Women Are Wicked 
*_Mazuvano Kutsvaga Mhandara Kunenge Kutsvaga Video Ya Lobengula Achidya Sugar!!! Hauiwane_*
*Umwe murume akakwira kombi achibva kubasa. Kombi iya isati yasimuka akaona mukadzi wake achipinda pa Lodge neumwe mu face ndokuti Kuna driver we kombi iya unoda kuita mari yakawanda here within minutes ndikupe basa izvozvi tisati tasimuka. Kombi driver akati bhoo Akabva apiwa picture yemukadzi, zvikanzi ooh I pic yemudzimai wangu iyi, apinda mu lodge umo izvezvi, enda unomudhonza uuye naye mukombi muno ndokupa $100. Driver uya akamhanya achipinda mu lodge muya ndokuuya neumwe mukadzi asiri iye aatumwa achiita wekuzvuva nebvudzi APA ma bhutsu achidirwa kumusana uku. Blaz vaya pavakaona kuti anga asiri mukadzi wavo, vakadeedzera kuti warasika haasiriye siya iyeye but driver uya haana kurega. Akasvika pakombi paya akati kuna Blaz vekumutuma, " ndibatirewo apa, uyu ndewangu, ndakudzokera kunotsvaka wako." Aaah shame, varume tiri pa tyt.*
I am proud to be in this group because you guys are:

​C​reative
​O​bedient
​N​ice
​D​iligent
​O​rganized
​M​atured
​S​ignificant

In short you are all
​C. O. N. D. O. M. S.​
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Kudzidza zvangu handina asi handingatadzi kuziva kuty admin anonzi stonyeni nechindebele*
🏽‍♂🏽‍♂yk🏽‍♂🏽‍♂🏼‍♀

Joke of the day

Maid: Together my English
Madam: Ukutiiko iwe?
Maid: Ndikuti pachipamwe murungu wangu.

🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽
Kkkkkkkk haaa ichi chandityora 
_Potai muchitaura maflavour amunoziva emadrink, Tindo akazoti ndoda strawberry , Soma ndokuti ndoda blackberry  INI ndikati ndoda mulberry Fatso vakazongoti vapererwa ndoda Bhaiberry_

Chabva nepaPepsi
*makambogara neboyz dzebronco here dzinogona kurova 30min dzakanyarara wozongonzwa umwe akuti bt ipapo une point*
Hakuna class yakadai
Teachar achimaka registar mu class aitanga kudaidza sename aiti:
Ndokuda Rumbidzai ,
Newewo Elnathan,
Kumurai Nokutenda,
Kotama Nicholas,
Anehurundiani Kambare,
Ndini Tichaona,
Isayose Tapiwa,
Ndaisa Tinotenda,
Ndanakirwa Maranatha,
Urikuchemei Brenda,
Ndozvidawo Tichaona,
Chikotamawo Svodai,
Amisandiani Terenc,
Ndiwe Jonh,
Chiisawo Tadzai,
Zvakwana Taona,
Chipfekai Shadreck ,
Manakirwaka Varaidzo
....... Todanazve Mangwana
*Ladies, if he cheats on you. Remove your wig , wash your make up , remove your fake nails , and talk to him man to man* 
vanhu vse vakazvarwa muna January hnzi mukuenda kuRussia mangwana mogadzirira ndouya ndichikutorai....vemuna Ndira zvamurimi muchatoti murikuendawo...ndikuenda nevaJanuary ini........

for more contact me on+45 4478900
I saw my Maths teacher yesterday. we greeted each other he ask for directions to Stanbic bank, I told him to make 360° angle turn and walk about 1.56m..then find the coefficient of X using Pythagoras theorem and round it up to the nearest tens. He will see a big pharmacy which is perpendicular to his right, then make an obtuse angle turn. He'll see the bank at a distance of about the logarithm of 7 and using four figure table to find the Anti-log. Let him feel what I felt when I was in school. This morning I heard on radio that he's missing    

# ZakA zAkA..#
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 l cant stop laughing 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Nhaimi ishuwa here kuti WinkyD akasiya amamira mugarden muya*
Imajeni🏾

Muri pamuchato zvenyu magadzirira kudya Pastor Alpha Lukau vobva vasvika votanga kunamata ipapo ipapo huku nemombe zvobva zvamuka kosara maonion nemadomasi nerice chete mundiro

*In Order to have a Girlfriend Nowadays*
*My Brother You Must Be Alright*
*Physically,* *Emotionally, Mentally, Kissically*
*Motorcally, and Walletically..*

🤣
*Ndiri kutsvakawo mukadzi wekuroora wandaiva naye aiva neusimbe akatiza kuverenga mari*
*Pliz ndioneiwo*
Murume akabata mukadzi nechikomba  kwakuenda kuna ambuya kwakuti mwana venyu ahura zvikanzi naambuya asi yakatyokera imomo here zvekuti yako haichapindi

Finish
*Mumwe murume akasangana nemukadzi vachifamba rwendo rurefu ndokusvibirwa nekunze vakakumbira pekurara. Vakapihwa one room bcz vanhu vakafunga kuti vaive vakaroorana. Vakazorara mumwe nemumwe kwake. Vatirarei mkadzi akanzwa murume uya okambaira achiuya kwaaive. Murume uya akanokwenya mukadzi uya pagumbo kwakujamba achidzokera kunzvimbo yake. Mkadzi akavhunza kuti zvaita sei. Murume uya kwakupindura kuti ndanga ndichida kukutyityidzirai zvangu kuti ndione kuti makotsira here. Vakamboedza kurara asi hope dzairamba kubata. Murume uya akazonzwa mkadzi  uya ozevezera kuti kasi makotsira here? Murume akapindura akati kwete handina kukotsira manga mati kudii?. Mukadzi ndokubva ati aah ndanga  ndati kana musati makotsira huyaika mundityityidzire futi*

Chibate chisati chaiswa ma kkkkkkkkk hobho 🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿❌❌❌❌❌❌
ZIM🇿🇼

Manga muchizvi ziva here kuti kakunaka kepakutunda kaya Adam na Eve vasati vatadza yaive 1hour
*Vasikana vamazuva ano vakagezera face mubucket munoita semasukirwa mbambaira*
‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂
TEZVARA ::: Program yatanga mkwasha.

MKWASHA :::achiuchira 'itai baba sezvamareva'.

TEZVARA::: gogoi $10, makandinzwa nani $10, matekenya ndebvu $120, vhuramuromo $300 .chimbobvisai iyoyo mkwasha tichazotaura imwe nekufamba kwenguva.

MKWASHA :::ndafamba ndisina mari baba ndati ndimbonzwa ma price.

TEZVARA ::: urikuti kudii nhai Sinyoro.

MKWASHA :::ndati ndauya kuzotora ma price chete mukaona ndati zii moziva kuti maprice akanyanya.

TEZVARA ::: wati kudii chibuda uende kumba kwako ndozvawatiunganidzira pano tichisiya mabasa !!!buda!! Kamani out.

MKWASHA ::: (rambei akati shikiriri kugara akatsikitsira).

TEZVARA :::uchiri wakagarirei ndati buda !

MKWASHA:::handina mari yebhazi yekudzokera kuGokwe....                hayaa Gokwe Futii
Here is another list of some of the 133 courses scrapped by the commission.

Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Sciences in Logistics

Bachelor of Arts (Homescience)

Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Sciences in Piloting

Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Security

BSc. Leadership and Health Services Management

BSc. Clinical Nutrition

BSc. Public Health Nutrition

BSc. Community Health and Development

Bachelor of Arts (History)

Bachelor of Maritime Management

Bachelor of Aviation Management

Bachelor in Agricultural Economics

B.Sc. (Biochemistry)

B.Sc. (Botany)

B.Sc. (Chemistry)

B.Sc. (Mathematics)

B.Sc. (Physics)

B.Sc. (Zoology)

BSc in Agricultural Biotechnology

BSc in Agricultural Extension Education

BSc in science(Rural sociology)

BSc in Seed Science

BSc in Soil Science

BSc in Irrigation and Land Use Management

BSc in Crop Production

BSc in Food nutrition

BSc in Dry Lands and Sustainable Agriculture

BSc in Management

BSc in International Diplomacy

BSc in Community Health

BA. Economics

BA. Political science

BA. Banking and Finance

BA. Religion

BA. Real Estate Management

BA. Tourism

BA. Hospitality Management

BSc. Range Land and Wildlife Management

BSc. Peace Science

BSc. Leather and Textile Technology

BSc. Lingusitics

BA. Anthropology

BSc. Sport Science

BA. Mass Communication

BSc. Life science

BA. Marriage Counselling.

BA. Conflict Management

BA. Front Office Management

BA Development Studies
*Ndanzi ndini ndikuparidza mangwana pa evening service ku church. Gara zviya Goliath paakamedza hove kwe 1 week akanoirutsira kupi? Ku Nivea hanti ?*🏽‍♂
*TEACHER*: Tindo, 5 anopinda kangani muna 20?
*TINDO*: Achidei imomo?
*TEACHER*: IMaths Tindo , weka.
*TINDO*: Hooo Kana muna 20 muchinakidza anogona kupinda ka10 kana kupfuura asi kana muchibhowa anopinda ka1 kana kurega ototenderera nekuseri

*Kuroora mukadzi wekwamutoko zvakangooma unenge uchingomutswa every 30mns mukai mhanduwe muje pfuma yenyu mozoti makabiridziwa*
*Tomboti waenda kumba kwebbie wobva wasvika bbie ririrega robva rati handeyi mumba maro marinorara nguva yaunovckdbdvksmddaiedhisbufkigkiufk ydswqohaaeuolbddxnysdnuddmu*

*_Sory fone yangu yastika_*
Tezvara nemkuwasha vaipikisana kut hauna mshonga unokunda wangu````
``vakaenda musango vakaona nzou 3
Tezvara vakadzinongedza netsvimbo dzikafa dzese, kwakudziisa muBag dzikakwana .. .

Mkuwasha kwa:kuonawo nyuchi mumuti, akakwira mumuti akarumwa akadonha
..kwakubva afa akatoora ipapo ipapo...
Tezvara vachiona izv vakatya ndokutiza‍♂ vakananga kumba...
..vachisvika kumba vakawana mkuwasha akatogara hake achidya uchi ....

Sando topa upi apa∆∆∆m Mquasha / Tezvara???
Meeting Facebook girlfriend for the first time

Irene:      Wasvika here
George:  Ehe ndasvika
Irene:      Uripi?
George:  Urikuona Benz ye navy.  here?
Irene :     Ehe sweetie ndakutomhanya.
George:  Ndiri mumashure memurume ane mota iyoyo arikudya  chicken slice.
Irene:      Asi ndiwe wakapfeka maslippers neT-shirt ye ZANU?
George:  Exactly ndini babe
Irene:      imbwaa yemunhu, kumba kusina cooking oil
*1999 ... nineteen ninety nine*
*1666...sixteen sixty six*
*1111.... Todii apa ndimika magraduate*
The correct spelling is
SCHOOL not SCHOOL.
Some people put the second O before the first O which is very wrong.🤷‍♂🤷‍♂🤷‍♂
Prophet Lukau denies that he prayed for a dead man he argues that he only  whispered  "You are going to be buried in Zim" and the man quickly rose.
🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂ Chero chitunha hachidi kunzwa nezve Zimbabwe 🏾‍♂🏾‍♂🏾‍♂🤣🤣🤣
The government, through the Zimbabwe
Council for Higher Education (ZIMCHE), is
reviewing degree programmes offered at
the country’s State universities.
This is being done to improve university
curricula by abolishing useless degrees
which create unemployable graduates.
In an interview with the Sunday Mail,
Higher Education, Science and
Technology Development Minister
Professor Amon Murwira said:
What we are doing is we have
silently radically reformed
higher and tertiary education
since last year, after our skills
audit.
One of the things we did was
to ensure that we have the
Zimbabwe National
Qualification Framework,
which makes sure that our
degrees equip graduates with
knowledge and skill. We are,
therefore, streamlining our
education so that it results in
that goal of producing goods
and services.
We have some degree
programmes which, when one
completes the studies, that
person cannot even do what
he has learnt.
We promulgated three
Statutory Instruments: SI 132
for higher education; SI 133,
which caters for primary and
secondary (education); and SI
137, which caters for the
polytechnics.
These Statutory Instruments
are there to ensure that all
degrees have minimum bodies
of knowledge and skill,
meaning all degrees must
result in goods and services.
Kana kwasviba vamwe basa rinenge ratangab vamwe kundoba vamwe kundoroya vamwe kundonamata hameno iwe munhu kuti 
' ' ' *Nhasi ndafara pandaona verse inoti vanhu vachatongwa nemabasa ndikati yes yes yes muzimbabwe hatitongwi coz mabasa hakuna*' ' 'iiiiiiii chikupisa wena 
*Kunaka kwemurume kuri patatu mumoyo, muhomwe nemubhurugwa* .

Ndiri pa line rezupco musandinetse⚡

Fonyo akapinda mu Butcher ndokuona Butcher man achiserver vanhu nekupa change iricorrect fast fast ndokubvunza Butcher man "unozvigonasei zvese izvi kuserver ne kuchinja change fast kuvanhu" Butcher man ndokuti aah idya musoro wehove unongwara kuita zvandiri izvozvi " Fonyo akabva atenga misoro yefish 20 uchinzi $10
each, akaita mazuva ichitenga misoro ye fish iya akazoti rimwe zuva regai ndibvunze ndokubvunza Butcher man vaye kuti "ko musoro zvaunoita $10 ko iyo fish yacho yese yakakwana inoita marii" zvikanzi
butcherman" fish yese i$5. Fonyo ndokuti "Aah saka wanga uchindidhurisira musoro $10 iyo fish ne musoro wayo ichita $5?
Zvikanzi na Butcherman "ndokungwara kwacho watotanga kungwara so" 

#vicdebet#
Imajeni🏾

Muri pamuchato zvenyu magadzirira kudya Pastor Alpha Lukau vobva vasvika votanga kunamata ipapo ipapo huku nemombe zvobva zvamuka kosara maonion nemadomasi nerice chete mundiro

Imajeni🏾

Muri pamuchato zvenyu magadzirira kudya Pastor Alpha Lukau vobva vasvika votanga kunamata ipapo ipapo huku nemombe zvobva zvamuka kosara maonion nemadomasi nerice chete mundiro

*Kurambwa nemukomana ane zuda zvorwadza   ,kungobata garo wotomufunga*
*Vakadzi makunyanya husimbe mazuvano shuwa gore ratopera ndisina kumbonzwa kuti kune murume apiswa nemafùta kana nemvura yakakwata zvayo.Nxaa ambonyanyodhura zvakadiiko mafuta acho ? * 
Uuuum nhasi ndarova mwana wangu zvakaipa ndati ndiri pamba pemunext door wangu ndiri kutotandara hangu mukadzi wake abika sadza nechicken yakanyatsotsvukira sadza rakupakurwa uku takugeza maoko kamwana kangu kachibva kauya zvikanzi,"daddy muri kudiwa kumba kwaita vaenzi". kana ndimiwo guys kuitawo hre ?
*Kana relationship ichiri nyowani network haiite kana problem. Kana mazogara gara phone dzinenge dzakuramba kupinda hameno kuti vanhu Veku Econet vakaita sei*
*Ndiudzreiwo vakadzi vose kuti Hapana shinda inopinda mutsono isina kunanzviwa.. Ladies pabatisisei ndataura semunhu mkuru*
My wife zvaandiita nhasi !!
Atora foni yangu ndobva aDeleter nhamba *dzaLorraine.*
Semunhu akanzwa kuti ndodanana naLorraine nefriend yake abva asevha nhamba dzake kuti _*Lorraine.*_
Ndiri kubasa ndaona message yakanzi *dhiya, ndiisire airtime ye$10,* ndobva ndatumira ndichifunga kuti *ndiLorraine.*
Ndave kumba ndazokanda Text msg kuna *Lorraine* ndichiti *zvaita here?* Zvikanzi *ndifonere izvezvi.*
Pandabuda panze kuti ndifone ndokutonzwa *Madam* vachidaira varimukicheni vachiti: *"Huyai mudye sadza raibva."*
Ndodii ndichitori panze izvezvi???
Kumwe kubara so,
Mai: "enda unotora huni panze"
Mwana: "panze penerima ndinotya"
Mai: "enda jesu aripo panze"
Ipapo Mwana akabva adongorera pahwindo zvikanzi "jesu kana muripo nditambidzeiwo huni.

ummmmmm 
Huyai nemapurisa kuno ndogona kungouraiwa ndasvikirwa nemuridzi wemukadzi ndirimudheni. Mukadzi wacho anditi ndihwande pasi pemubhedha ndopandiri now but kamwana kepamba ipapo kazouya kachimhanyira dady vako vagere pamusoro pemubhedha wandapinda pasi pawo, kachibva kadonhedza tennis ball rikabhamba richipinda pasi pemubhedha pandiri ndokubva kasiya baba vako kachitevera bhora rapinda pasi pemubhedha pandiri. Kabvakandiona ndiripasi paye. Hakana kuzondimhoresa coz tangatamboonana pa time dzandasvika asi kachiona bhora riripedo neruoko rwangu katori busy ikozvino kundishedzera kuti kanda kanda kanda kanda.........

Musakanganwe kuuya nemasoja ⚰ nezvese zvamakwanisa kuuya nazvo coz so far ndirikungoona bhutsu yakapfekwa kunge size 17 rinofanira ririndimba🏽‍♂🏽‍♀
POLITE REMINDER
*Anyone who wants to have a child in 2019, tonight is the last night. Otherwise your child will be born in 2020*
Best Regards, *Management*

zvatodhakwa
Zvinhu zvaoma munyika vakomana.. kana kumasowe takutopiwa dombo one chete.

Xwera xei henyu
Nyaya iyi inorwadza:

朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩u条㩥楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬

Nyaya iyi yandirwadza chokwadi

Kunyanya apa pakanzi 汦睯攺 misodzi inobva yabuda
*Munhu akakuti urimbwa ibva wamuruma ipapo, akakuti uridonki, ibva watomukava ipapo, akakuti urihure.... aaaaaaah,, uchawonawo yekutamba wavemunhu mkuru!!!!*
 kk 
Dear boys

kana muskana wako or any female asati ambokumbira t shirt yako, jersey , shoes or jacket rako it means haugoni kupfeka 🤣🤣🤣
Handidi nharo ipapo full stop .....

‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂‍♂chipfuudze usaty wabatwa unacho ne boys
NDIRI KUTENGESA MAWHEEL CHAIR♿ KUNE VAYA VANE MARELATIONSHIP ASIRI KUNYATSOFAMBA

*Kana tsano vako vari vatsva pa WhatsApp unoona*
7:17 *_typing_* ...
7:42 *_typing_* ...
7:51 *_typing_* ...
8:17 *_typing_* ...
Iwe unobva watanga kutya kuti asi madam vaka reporter kuhama dzavo kani? Tsano vanenge varikunyora mashoko makukutu!!
Ndoopaunozoona
Na 8:22 :: *ndeipu mikiwasha miri seu ne mhuru nema basd*
*Nyadzi dzinokunda rufu ndabvuma yanga iri birthday yangu nezuro asi pandakamuka mudzimai wangu haana kundiita happy birthday,even vana havana kundiitawo❗*

*Ndakaenda kubasa ndakabhoekana, vandinoshanda navo kana mumwe chete akandiita happy birthday❗*
*Ndichingopinda mandoshandira ndakaona Secretary wepabasa akandimirira, akandipa zi hug zvikanzi happy birthday, ndakafara zvisingaiti kuti Secretary andirangarira, zvikanzi naye manheru toenda tese ndine surprise yako hombe‼*

*Manheru tichipedza basa takapinda mu motor yake zvikanzi surprise yako irikumba kwangu. Tichingosvika kumba akandipa tsvodi pamhanza zvikanzi gara pasofa apa ndichambopinda mu bedroom ndirikuuya manje manje, ini hana yange yakurova manje kuti makumbo aye ndazoapuhwa na Secretary. Achingopinda mubedroom ini kubva ndakurura hembe dzese kusara ndiri musvo,kubva ndapfeka condom rangu kubva ndarara pasofa ne gotsi ndakabata blambi yange yave kuvhita nekumira. Pasina nguva ndakanzwa door remu bedroom kuvhurwa ndikanzwa chorus yevanhu *"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"*

*Ndakavhura maziso ndikaona Secretary akamira akabata zicake achiteerwa na madam vangu nema boss ekubasa* *nevana vangu Mumba makati ziii vanhu vakavhura miromo vakanditarisa ndakarara pa sofa🤷‍♂*
*Vakomanaka, kuita kunge ndichafa nekunyara‼‼‼‼*
Chihera akabatwa nemurume wake red handed ane chikomba mumba.Chikomba chakabudirira chikatiza murume kwakugara pasofa zvikanzi na Chihera special,"Zvamurimi mugofamba muchiudza vanhu kuti mandibata nechikomba hameno henyu ndimi munongosekwa kunzi makaroora hure".
*NEVER TRUST A LADY WHO STAYS ALONE AND HAS TWO PILLOWS*
*Kudanana nemurume wemunhu kwakangooma  mukangonetsana two minutes unoona achinja profile aisa mukadzi wake obva anyora kuti AMAI MWANA NDIMI MUNEYESE*

masmall house are we theeeeere
Chihwindi - chiri muropa. Amai vakatengera mwana toy ye combi.Mwana akatanga kutamba nayo achishevedzera 'Mabvuku, Tafara naMutare rd, eh vabereki, garai 4-4, ko imi mai makamirirei padoor, muri mboko mazvinzwa?Imi ambuya sebedzanai, haikona kugara kunge munhu ari kuzvara...The mother heard him and took away toy iya. After a while,mai vakanzwa tsitsi kuona mwana wavo angonyarara ndokumudzosera toy iya.Mai vakanzwa mwana atangazve 'right vabereki, tadzoka manje, sorii zvenyu mota yanga yatorwa nemahure ekanzuru...kkkkk  ipavamwe usaseka wega
*Musiyane nekatsika kenyu kekuisa Bible muhapwa...munenge muchinhuhwira vana veIsrael*
*Quote of the day*

Ndandakagara zvangu mukombi panext pevamwe moms vanga vakabata mwana mumaoko

Kamwana kavo kabva kandikwatura nembama, munhu wese akacheuka kutarisa ,ndangodya zvangu easy kunge pasina chaitika

Kabva kada kupamha futi kechi2  bva ndavhika zvikanzi namoms yacho: *mukwasha musavhika anozochema*

kuítαwσ hr uku

*Kunevese makazeni angu mateacher, homework yamuri kupa vana zvichiri zvekudzidza here or u are trying to prove kuvana vedu kuti vabereki venyu hapana zvozikanwa.  musadaro imi muri vanhu vekuziva mukutimakisa nevana pliiz. Ndati tikongotaura pano pasina vana tiwirirane. Ndanzwa nekunzi mama nhasi ndaita zero. Ndatenda*
Ndikudawo mukadzi ane makore 25 to 30 ane class 2 or 4 drivers  license ne difensive ,plus medical certificate uye ane passport ...ndoda kuroora ..
*MaStatus Evanhu vabva kurambana*

1  Minus Problem

2 besides iwewe ndiani rimwe hure kudzinza  kwenyu

3 I don't Care

4 uchati wandigona  iwe wandigonera

5 Nzira yekudenga  haipfuure  nekumba  kwenyu

6 Chero wandisiya  ndiri  mupenyu

7 So long life

8 Kukava Datya kuriyambutsa

9 Zvikaramba  ndinoedza  zvimwe

10 Ndaigodiii tambo  yacho isingasvike  kuparafini

11 Uchazoona kukosha kwechikorobho  warasa mvura

12 I'm now a Free spirit

13 Kana Bhazi  rikaenda  kunouya  rimwe

14 Hausiriwe  last born yeZimbabwe

15 Life goes on uchandifunga hako

16 Kana uriwe chikorobho  handife  ndakarasa  mvura yacho

17 ukarwadziwa  neni haupore

18 Zvandibva

19 Zvadirwa  Jecha pfoo

20 Single not desperate

21 wakaita basa ukahukura  ndaizoziva  sei kuti urimbwa

22 Chero ndiri  ndoga ndorarama  furi

23 Jesu ndiye munyaradzi  wangu

24 Dai kunyengerera  iri Subject dai ndine maU

25 pauchaona  kukosha kwangu  ndinenge  ndaenda

26 ndizvo zvawaida kungonditambisa

27 ndaitonyara  kukuudza  kuti haugezi

28mwari ndivo vanoziva

29 Ndoda kuriBlocker

Zimbabweans 🏻‍♂ 🇿🇼

*TORA BROWN SUGAR*
Wotsvaga pane masvosve mumba mako or panze.

Dira sugar mbichana padhuze nepa mwena wemasvosve aya.
Rega zvakadaro kusvika pauya masvosve mashoma.

Uchaona achitakura sugar iye tsanga imwe chete achipinza sugar mumwena mawo.
Kana apinda mumwena muye achanoudza mamwe masvosve including mazihombe acho kut panze paita Sugar handei tinotora.

Iwe ibva watsvaira sugar iya yese

Rega uone maroverwo achaitwa masvosve aye nemamwe achinzi matinyepera iri kupi sugar yacho   

Kushaya hangu zvekuita seSunday so ndichinwa hangu chibuku changu
*I can't believe tese tichatofa tisina kuona advert yeSalt...*🤨
*Comrade Robert Gabriel Chamisa ndivo vandiona sekunge vanokundwa kuimba naJackie chan but Bill Gates ndiye chete anongohwina mabelts kuwrestling nekuti anotsigirwa naMai Charamba futi*
🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂🏻‍♂
*Kudanana nemurume wemunhu kwakangooma  mukangonetsana two minutes unoona achinja profile aisa mukadzi wake obva anyora kuti AMAI MWANA NDIMI MUNEYESE*

masmall house are we theeeeere
Hapana chinhu chinobhowa sekunzi mukwasha namai vepanext door apa mwanasikana wavo anenge akashata kunge economy yeZimbabwe
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Chichiri kupisa ichi
 * *Tsoko nagudo vakanga vagere  mfundisi vachiparidza, zvikanzi namfundisi udza aripedyonewe kuti wakanaka .tsoko akatarisa gudo akaseka ,akamutarisazve akazunguza musoro, akasimudza ruoko akati mufundisi gudo muudzei mega ini handidi kutadzira Mwari* 🤣

Kkkkkkk ndaenda*
KANYAYA KANDITENDEUTSA AKA

He called his friend;
And told him: "I'm in need of money, my Mom is sick and I have no money for her treatment."

His friend said: " Alright my dear friend, just call me later after Devotion."

He called him but his phone was switched off.

He kept calling over and over again, until he got tired.

And went to search for another friend who can help him with the treatment fee.

But he couldn't find anyone who can help.

He returned  home and found a bag of medications near his mother's pillow and she was sleeping.

He asked his brother, the brother told him: "your friend came and collected the prescriptions and brought these medicines, he just went out not long ago".

He smiled and with tears in his eyes he went out to look for his friend, and when he found him; he asked him : "where have you been, I have been calling you since but your phone was switched off..?"

The friend replied: "I sold my phone and bought the medications for your mom"

Dai uriwe wainzwa sei, apa iwe fon yako unayo coz you couldn’t sell it to save your mom. We all have something to give...our time, money, possessions, generosity, kindness, friendship, even a smile can go a long way in helping someone. God in His wisdom blessed us all with different gifts, no one is too poor to give. Glory be to Him.
*What is a girlfriend?*
*Girlfriend is Addition of*
*problems, Subtraction*
*of money,*
*Multiplication of*
*enemies and Division of*
*friends*
 *VD80*: *Veteran ZBC Reporter Judith Makwanya ⚰Dies*

Veteran ZBC reporter Judith Makwanya has died. Makwanya was admitted into a hospital on Monday with a medical emergency.

The Ministry of Information, Publicity and Broadcasting confirmed Makwanya’s death but did not give details.

Writing on social media, the Information Ministry said:

Government learns with the sadness of the untimely passing on of Diplomatic Correspondent Ms Judith Makwanya. Judith served her country with distinction and was one of the journalists placed on the sanctions list which became a Roll of Honour for Patriots. May Her Soul Rest in Peace

To read full article -http://v.duta.us/x14f0AAA

*Play JUMBLE on Whatsapp! Add to group:  +918754470242 Type the command: jumble*

Reply to this message with a  to like it
*Rufaro kwamuri  Rufaro kwamuri Ndinoreurura kusataura paGrup nekutora maPropic evanhu ndichiita wallpaper yangu*
*Areruya*🤦🏻‍♂🤦🏻‍♂🤦🏻‍♂🤦🏻‍♂🤦🏻‍♂
*Quote of the day*

Ndandakagara zvangu mukombi panext pevamwe moms vanga vakabata mwana mumaoko

Kamwana kavo kabva kandikwatura nembama, munhu wese akacheuka kutarisa ,ndangodya zvangu easy kunge pasina chaitika

Kabva kada kupamha futi kechi2  bva ndavhika zvikanzi namoms yacho: *mukwasha musavhika anozochema*

*Nxaaa kwapera 3 days dzese ndichitsvaga remote izvo iripasi petawuro rangu rekugezesa*
*Ndafonerwa nepolice 🏻‍  zvanzi kune case yangu?🤷🏾‍♂! Dai ikangoita yesugar 🤦🏽‍♂!*

_TODAY'S HEALTHY_

_Kusura kunoita kuti mudumbu murase magas akashata uye kunoita kuti unzwe kurerukirwa Saka kusura kuri healthy uye hakunyadzise.Wambosurawo here nhasi mudikani? Chimboti bhuuuuuu uri pauri ipapo ,,,,,,,,,�⊂_ヽ
＼＼
＼ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
>　⌒ヽ
/ へ＼
/　/  ＼＼
         ﾚ　ノ      ヽ_つ
    /　/
/　/|     
(　(ヽ
|　|、＼
| 丿 ＼ ⌒)
| |　) /
`ノ )　Lﾉ
(_ pfeee mugrup zvangu ndichisurira maadmin ooosee

ungandidiii hapana ende hapana futi!!!_
*SEX* is my best *enemy*,
*BUT* the *BIBLE* Say's *love* your *ENEMY*

*kutongorova yekedero ndingadii*

Dai sikarudzi ye vakadzi yaiita kunge whatsapp woona remukadzi wako rakanzi : *last seen 02:30 am* iwe uri kubasa panight shift kana kuti rakanzi *online* kkkkkkvamwe vaizvisungirira.

*Pulooooooooooo!!!*
ichichanga chandi overtakerungati kudii  nazvo
Rufaro kwamuri
Rufaro kwamuri
Rufaro kwamuri

*Ndinoreurura kuita chimumumu mugroup ndichingoverenga maChats evamwe chete.*

Rufaro kwamuri
*ndehupi hutsvina hwaunoita wega mumba menyu kana mako usina anenge achikuona but iwewe mumoyo mako unonyatsoziva kuti hutsvina*??????????

*Question of the day ladies tipirei tiseke*
#stolen
! Yuuwi Nhaimaiwee Kani Uuuummmm iiiiiiiiii Ava Ndamai Peter Vaidaro  ...
¶Ba Peter ::-Simudzira Gumbo Inyatso Pinda. ¶Mai Peter ::-Uuuumm Ndasimudzira Irikuramba Kupinda Plzy Irikurwadza
¶Ba Peter ::-Ita Kusimukira Pamwe Inga Pinde.
¶Mai Peter::- iiiiiiiiiiiii Yowe Uuuummm Mandikuvadza Kana Yaramba Bvisai...
Apo Vaimanikidza Bhutsu Yekuleft Kugumbo Rekuright***..kkk hausi wega uno mhanysa bren!!wafungei.kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk laugh with others 
*MKADZI AKAZIVA KUTI HAUNA SMALL HOUSE ANEKAKUDHEERERA KAANOITA SO*
*Ndikungorota ndichichata nemunhu wepagroup pano but anenge akavharwa kumeso, pandonzi chivhura kumeso ndobva ndapepuka zvava nemazuva pliz kana uripo huya ku box titaurirane sevanhu vakuru than kunditambudza kudaro*
Teacher.John kumba kwenyu ndiani mudiki
John.ndibaba
Teacher.nei wadaro
John.nekuti ndivo vachiri kuvata namhamha

Kkkk usaseke wega kkkkk������������kkk
*Hanzi munhu akanaka haararame. Saka iwewe uri kurarama wotoziva kuti uri mboko*.

*Chapotsa chandiuraya ichi*. 
Teacher Akaisa doromundiro, akaisa mvura mune imwe ndiro.

Akati kuvana,  "mutarisise  kuti imbwa ichamwei pakati pezvinhu izvi."      Imbwa  ndokumwa mvura ikanhuwidza doro ndokusiya. Zvikandzi nateacher , "madzidzei?" Mumwe  mwana akati, "tafunda  kuti asinganwi doro wese imbwa."

⚒⚒⚒⚒
Sando kumwana

Mhanya nacho kunerimwe group, ini kwandabva ndasiya iri nyonga nyonga pagroup rekuchurch nemadzimai eruwadzano
Chimbosekawo...kkkk

Ndango svika mumba me girlfriend yangu ndichangobva kugara pachair, tanzwa knock padoor, zvikanzi nechimoko pinda musaga, pinda musaga chopas. Saga ranga riri paside pemubhedha. Ndichingopedza kuzvirongedza musaga, chimoko chavhura door muchinda achibva apinda, nyaya dzakatanga kutaurwa dzakaita kuti ndiite doubt kuti murume wake, ndikati ichi ndechimwe chikomba chete. Ndakufunga kuda kubuda musaga muye. Door rakabva ravhurwa, samusha ndiye pindikiti. Chimwe chikomba chakagara pachair, ini ndiri musaga. Ndakanzwa chimoko chaakuti, "Daddy, ava ndiBaba vanotengesa madhumbe saka ndavaudza kuti nhasi handina mari vanozodzoka next week. Saka apa vanga vachitokumbira zvavo mvura vakutobuda."

Pakamboita karunyararo. Ndokubva ndazonzwa chimoko chiya choti kune chimwe chikomba chiya, "Mukwasha ndokuonai next week. Takurai zvenyu saga renyu muende".
Muface aka ndikanda pafudzi tafamba tafamba ndokubva ndonzwa mufesi uya aakuti, "Nyaya yedu yechihure iyi. Ndaakungotakuriswa zvandisingazive!"
Iniwo ndokubva ndapindura ndikati,  "At least uri kuona kwauri kuenda, ko ini ndiri musaga

🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄
*Pane munhu akaisa profile picture yegirl friend yangu pavanhu vari muno mugroup apa ndiri kutya kumubvunza?.*
Pamwe mukadzi wake

Child: *"Mhama pane zvaitika pamange musipo."*
Moms: *"Chii mwanangu?"*
Daddy:  *"Iwe! Iwe! Nyarara apa!"*
Moms: *"Taura ndikupe mazepe."*
Child: *"Pauya musikana akanaka panapa."*
Moms: *"Musikana?! Auya nani?"*
Daddy: *"Ndakuti nyarara. Wazvinzwa?"*
Moms: *"Nditaurire mwanangu akanaka."*
Child: *"Mhamha apinda mubedroom menyu musikana wacho."*
Daddy: *"Kunyarara unei mwana iwe?"*
Moms: *"Taura ndikupe chocolate mwanangu."*
Child: *"Daddy vabvisa musikana hembe dzese."*
Daddy: *"Iwe!!!!"*
Moms:  *"Bva vaitasei?"*
Child: *"Bva, bva, bva, bva vvaita zvamunoita nasekuru Steven kana daddy vasipo."*
Daddy: *"Heeeeee!!!!!!?"*
Moms: *"Wasonzi nyarara kare kare nababa vako haunzwe! Unoda kurohwa mwana iwe."*
Vari joza boys rangu mazuva ano kukunhongwa chii kumapurazi tizobatsirana
*Ungaitesei wakumbira phone yeshamwari yako Kuti uphonere murume wako obva adaira achiti mhoroyi imi vekusada condom*

Topic
TOILET PAPERS ARE FOR LADIES
REAL MEN USE CALENDERS,BOXES
,STONES, SANDPAPERS,SOCKS,GRASS
*Wakamboroverwa team yako zvekuti  unosvika pakufunga kuti kwandaonera bhora ndokwatidyisa?*

*Mai vangu kutibikira sadza nenyama yehuku yaidanana nemachongwe ose emuraini medu, manje handisi kuzoridya hure irori 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣*
Ecocash: Transfer confirmation. USD 500.00 from Emason Dambudzo Mnangagwa Approval Code :PP 190116.1816.P50380. New wallet balance USD 500.50 tenga zvaunoda mvura yaramba kunaya
Vakadzi makunyanya husimbe mazuvano shuwa gore ratopera ndisina kumbonzwa kuti kune murume apiswa nemafùta kana nemvura yakakwata zvayo.Nxaa ambonyanyodhura zvakadiiko mafuta acho ? ?
SIMBA: Mbuya fodya 
              imarii ?
MBUYA: 10 cents
              mudzanga.
SIMBA: Ndipeiwo 
             mudzanga
             nematches
              ndibatidze.
MBUYA: handina
              matches.
SIMBA: Munotengesa
             fodya musina
             matches sei?
Mbuya: pfutseki ibva
              pano
              kwamunotenga
               macondom
                munopiwa
            nestonyeni
here?
Sando kuna gogaz!!!!!
Usatijairire iwewe
*kudanana nemusikana mudhafu haisi problem..,problem inotanga after Sex paAnoti ndisvitsoo pendi rangu iwe uchiona kunge vhesi*

Vadhafu muriko here
ukaona uri mukadzi uchipa murume mupfuhwira ziva kuti haunake

ukaona uri murume uchichengera ziva hausi kugona kukwira

 hachidi tsanangudzo ichi ndaenda ini🏼🏼🏼
*Smart rinotangira pakati pemagaro kwete kutsoka...haungati smart inotangira kutsoka iwe pakati pemagaro paine dovi*‍♂‍♂
*_Ndechanhasi ichi 🏼🏼🏼🏼🏼🏼_*

*Unotoona vakadzi vachipedza nguva vachipodapoda kumeso netumaface powder. Isu varume tinongotarisa dako chete totopedza!*
MAKAMBO ZVITARISISAWO HERE KUTI TEAM IRI HARINA MHINO NE NZVEVE
🤣🧐🤨🤪🤩☹🤬🤯🤭🤫🤥🤤🤢🤮🤠🤧

KUNGOSHAWO ZVEKUITA ZVANGU
*Mai Noku vachipinda muGate mamai D vachiona mai D vachibvisa maPants avo anga aoma pawaya vachiisa maDish Towels nema Pegs mamochete iwawo.*

Nhai askana maPegs amuri kubvisa pama Pants ndiwo amuri kuisa pama Dish towels futi?

Inzwa mai D
*Imi muromo wamunodya nawo Mboro ndiwo wamuno yimbisa kuPraise and worship wani?*
 *Dai zvainzi inwa doro rine percentage yawakaita kuMaths, vazhinji vaiperera kumaheu*Musandirove chingopfuudzawo chakadaro.
 Chinobata bata icho ummm.

*So happy to realize kuti mumuviri medu mune masoja 🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿🏿‍‍ anodzivirira. Imagine dai mune* *mapurisa,‍🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽‍ necorruption yavanayo , sadza raizosvika kudumbu risisina nyama!*

�����

*Usazoudza  police  unondisungisa handisini  ndadaro*

*Varume makuti confuser toziva*
*zvinhu zviri private zvichigara* *mumabhurugwa zvino kana mafon enyu Ave more private than yo private parts*

*Chichemo from ladies*

*Tokumbirao muise mafon mubhurugwa mboro mobata mumaoko...tigare taziva atidi confusion*

Tajamuka🏽‍♀🏽‍♀🏽‍♀🏽‍♀
Udzanai udzanai

 _CHABVA KUMADZIMAI_
Varume mose chava chijana chenyu chekuisa Judith Makwanya pa profile picture. Handidi hangu kunzwa noise nemadzimai. Pavakaisa Oliver Mutukudzi takangoti dzaona
*Ladies plz try as mch as possible 2look exactly like the person on ur profile Pic.This is my 10th time I'm wasting my fuel‍♂*
Jobho 14

7 Nokuti kana muti uchinge watemwa, kune tariro kuti uchabudazve, Uye kuti davi rawo nyoro haringaperi.

8 Kunyange mudzi wawo ukakwegurira muvhu, Nehunde yawo ikafa pasi;

9 Kunyange zvakadaro uchabukira kana wanzwa kunhuhwira kwemvura, Ndokubudisa matavi somuti muduku.

*Tariro ichiripo hama yangu*
Before you say "all men are dogs" tanga watarisa kuti hausiriwe uri kubehaver sebhonzo here🤣🤣🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
🤳🏾 *Quote of the minute*

*Kugara mu Zimbabwe haisi nhamo inharo```*
Ndakaenda kumusha kwa Madam yangu ne mwana wangu musikna she  in grade 1 Aisha.Tasvika my inlaw(ambuya) vakatitambira ndokupinda nesu mumba(an african hut).ndakapihwa stool yekugara ..ambuya ndokutora bonde(rukukwe) kuti Aisha agare..."gara hako muzukuru...".vakadaro ambuya vangu,asi Aisha akaramba akamira.."..ko chii?"..ambuya vakabvunza.
Aisha anopindura zvinyoronyoro.."NDOTYA ZVIRWERE ZVEPABONDE"

...uriwe inini waidi?
*Kubva pakabiwa gejo mvura haina kuzombonaya*
Maswera sei mose kwamuri  kwakasiyana siyana

Ndotanga
kuUK
Dubai,
Durban
Johannesburg ,
Capetown,
Pretoria,
Polokwane,
Mussina,
Beit Bridge,
Botswana
paTopisi,
Gabs,
Francistown,
Chapfuche,
Zambia,
Mozambique,
DRC,
Malawi,
Chamayellow,
Bubi,
Mwenezi,
Maranda,
Rutenga,
Lybigia,
Rundi,
Ngundu,
Matandamaviri,
Renco,
Triangle
Chiredzi
PaSese,
PaMaringire,
Chibi,
Gokwe
Mandamabwe,
Shabanie ,
Mazvihwa,
Mberengwa
kwaMainona,
Banket
Zvemukonde
PaBuchwa,
Masvingo,
paGreat Zimbabwe apo,
Mvuma,
PaMucheke,
kwaTavengwa
paChivhu,
Beatrice,
PaMbudzi,
PaNjanja,
kwaChapwanya,
KwaBere,
PaBuhera
kwaChikavakava,
Murambinda,
Chirumanzu,
Gutu,
Mupandawana,
kwaBhasera,
paZiki
Nerupiri,
Sylveria,
kuJiri
paBikita apo,
PaChikuku
paMtendi
Jerera,
Biechnough,
Odzi,
Chimanimani,
kwaMtambara,
paHot Springs
Nyanyadzi
Nenehwe
paGudyanga,
paMupudzi
pa35 Miles
pa22 Miles ,
Pa24 Miles
kwaCheyadzwa,
mu Bocha
paMarange,
Mutare,
Chikanga,
Dangamvura,
Sakubva,
Hob-House
Zimunya
kwaNyatsanza,
Bema Valley,
paMakoni
paChiredzi
paChigarapasi,
paSave
Checheche,
Chisumbanje,
Manzvire
Rimbi
PaMwacheta
PaChibuwe
Kondo
Chipangai
Tanganda,
Chipinge
muGaza
paJersey
paPfidza,
Chinaa,
DessHill
Sakuinje
nepaTamandayi,

Ndodzoke

Nyanga,
Penhalonga,
Rusape,
Dewedzo,
pa St Beads,
Dowa,
Marondera,

NdavamuHarare,

Kambuzuma 1
Kambuzuma2
Kambuzuma 3
Kambuzuma 4
Kambuzuma 5
Kambuzuma 6
Fiyo
Glen Norah,
Glen View pa area 8 apo
Kuwadzana 1
Kuwadzana 2
Kuwadzana 3 kusvika ku 7
,Dzivarasekwa yese
Pachitubu ,
Rugare,
Mufakosi,
Mabvuku,
Tafara,
Glen view 7
, pamuzinda mukuru ChiTown,
Zengeza  1
Zengeza 2
Zengeza 3
Zengeza 4
Zengeza 5
Zengeza 6
st Mary's
Manyame park
Seke,
Ruwa,
No.37 Gazaland pamusawu,
Fiyo OK Engineering,
Machipisa,
paGwanzura,
paLusaka,
paTSF,
Boka,
paSiyaso,
Mbare ndokuti Harare,
Southlea Park,
Newlands,
Mandara
Tynwald
Mount Pleasent, Norton,
Epworth
,Norton,
Twinlakes,
Shamva
Pamusiwa
Paguwa
Panhamo
Kwasikero
Kwazonde
KwaNyava
KwaMukarakate

Pakare paya,
Kadoma,
Chegutu ,
Kwekwe,
Gwelo paSenga,
Mkoba,
Silobela,
Bulawayo,
Makokoba,
Mzilikazi,
Matshobana,
Ntumbane,
Njube ,
Mpopoma,
Makhandeni,
Luveve,
Cowdry Park,
Magwegwe West,
South, North ,
Old and New,
Glenkara,
Mazosiya ,
Nagangara,
Siyachilaba,
Siyadinda,
Siyabuwa paChicualacuala,
Nkulumane,
Nketa,
Mganwini,
Bellevue,
BG,
Motrose,
Trinence,
Morngside,
Hillside ,
Hilcrest,
Matopo,
Kezi,
Maphisa,
Mazowe yese kubva kwagoba
Zuvarabuda
Chitepo village
Manyuchi village
Mtetwa village
Musha mukuru Chiweshe village (chichi)
Doxford
Bikibiki
Matola
Mashazhikwe
Marondera bottle stole

Tichienderera mberi.....
Mt Darwin,
paDotito,
Dande Mushumbi,
paKanyemba,
Mahuhwe,
Saruwe,
Chinhoyi
paGadzema,
Lionsden,
paChikuti,
Vhuti,
Karoi,
Makuti,
Marondela,
paChirundu,
Kariba,
PaVic Falls
paWafawafa,
PaMagwiro,
Murehwa,
Domboshava,
Mutoko,
UMP,
paChinotimba PaVictoria Falls, Kamativi,
Hwange,
Plumtree
Mhangura
Dete,
Nyamandlovu ,
Gwaai,
Tsholotsho,
Gwanda
Solusi,
Tjotjolo,
kwaMataga,
Kopakabana
Ndadzoka futi muHarare
Joina City ,
Zimex,
office,
Morris Deport,
Tomlinson,
KG6,
1 Commando,
Harare international Airport,
Borrowdale,
paSam Levy village........

nekwese kwamuri ikoko kwandasiya murisei hama dzangu.

Ndokudai mese one by one mwari ave nemi

Ndikagara-gara ndichakukwazisai zvakare manheru
Ndirikutogaya zvangu kuti nemanyepero angaachiita Judith Makwanya kuti vanhu havangadaro vakamuviga arimupenyu here anyepa kuti afa
*_Tichasara tongoti zuva rapisa izvo Jesu akatouya akatora vatsvene vake tikasara mugehena_*

*Handichazvinzwisise*
*Amunoti ma1 haasi ma1... ma1 ndeukuti unokiya door  uchiti uponde nyoka magetsi obva aenda. Wobva wadonhedza ma key,pakuda kumanhonga wobva wabata muswe we nyoka*

Aya ndo ma1
*Makambozviona here kuti vanhu vanotengesa mushonga wemapete newe makonzo vanotonetsa kudarika makonzo acho?*
*ICHI CHIKUPISA BATISISAI ZVAKANAKA*
The way yaukufara & you celebrating kuti bae wako anyepa kuden kwavo  kuti ari kubaya kuma lesson or kuchrch iye achiuya hake kuden kwako ,Is the same way yaachakunyepera iwewe kuti ari kuenda kunhamo or kumusha kunoona vabereki vake iye ari kuuya hake paden pangu 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

tsiuranai nekudzorana muchiri mkomana nemskana
Kuti Mwari akukomborerei
*Soldier: I will rape all of you!*

*Girls (crying): Rape us but please! Leave our grandma out of it!*

*Grandma (shouting): Leave who out? War is war, everybody must face the consequences!*
🤣🤣🤣
*Ichi chandibata mbabvu*

Baba natasha vakagara havo vakanyarara vakongotarisa garden se varikuona zvinosemesa.
*Mai natty:* ko chii nhasi kudai nhai baba natty kusada kana kutaura nesu kwakanaka hre?
*Baba natty:* Shaa  am so worried nenyaya yandanzwa yekuchurch kwenyu.
*Mai natty:* kuchurch kwedu?? Hanzii?
*Baba natty:* hanzi Pastor vekuchurch kwenyu vakarara nevakadzi vese kusara kwe1 mukadzi akaramba kurara naPastor venyu.Saka ndanga ndirikufunga kuti mukadzi uyu angave ani.
*Mai natty:* Mmmmh!! Ini ndofunga kuti ndimai Peter chete coz mmmh mai Peter ivavo havatangike..marasha chaiwo.

An Ethiopian man told his wife on Phone that he was boarding the Ethiopian airlines for a business meeting in Nairobi, he even sent a text message indicating he has taken his seat in the plane and was just waiting for the plane to take off,  meanwhile he was in a hotel room with his side chick..

Now Opana can't go home because everyone knows he's dead 

The family is currently in a meeting to plan for his funeral.
*During an argument husband 🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽‍⚖ says to his wife 🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽‍ "Vakadzi vese muri madhongi "evanhu .After a while  as they were driving ,they saw  a donkey  crossing the road ,the wife 🏽 says to her husband "Uchenjere kutsika Mai vako  avo*

Chinorovesa ichi 
_*Mukadzi akakutsamwisa unoona aku tryer kuda kukunyengerera netunyaya tunonakidza manje inini akataura zvinonakidza ndobuda panze ndoseka ndodzoka ndotsamwa zvandangandakaita*_ 
Kikikiki . Mudhara vakatenga chiRobot chaibata
munhu kana achinyepa mumba.Chaiti munhu akanyepa chaimuvhara mbama. 1 day mudhara vakadzoka kubva kubasa
ndokubvunza?.
Mdhara:. 'John pawabva kuchikoro wasvikoiteyi?.'

John: 'Ndasvikonyora homework yangu.'

chiRobot> ndiye mbama kuna John.

John: 'Sorry mudhara ndanga ndiona TV'.

chiRobot >mbama futi kuna John

John: 'Ndanga ndichiona porno Baba'.

Mudhara: 'Kuona porno!!.Ini ndichiri zera rako ndaisaziva chinonzi porno.'

chiRobot> ndiye mbama kuna mudhara.

Momz vakabva vatanga kuseka, zvikanzi: 'Chimusiyayi hanty mwana wenyu.'

chiRobot >ndiye mbama kunaMomz.

Kkkkkk chirobot kumberi  

KUYEMA SOOO
Vakadzi vane nhumbu kuyema unotonzwa zvichinzi ndoda sadza nematumbu enyuchi  kuri kungoda kuwomesera murume manje inini ndokutaurira kuti bata nyuchi dzacho nditumbure
*_NDIRIKUDA KUNGOKWAZISAWO🤝🏽 VASIKANA NEVAKOMANA🏽‍♂ VESE VARIMURELATION ISINA PROFILE PIC,LAST SEEN NESTATUS PAWHATSAPP NDICHITI CHIRISEI CHAMUHWANDE HWANDE VASIKANA_*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
~**Wife* : u hv stopped telling me how beautiful i am en how much u love me.                      

*Husband* : i hv stopped lying.  am a born again*~ 
*handisati ndamboona munhu ane Range Rover achiti mota yake inodya Fuel*,  *but ndakaona asina kana mota achiti Range Rover inodya* *fuel,asi chii nhai?*

?
chinoritsisa ichi

sei vakadzi vachiwacha burugwa zuva nezuva
vasingawache braa
asizvese zvichidikitira zvaka fanana

uuuuu
uuuuu
UKANYORA PA DOOR RE
TOILET KUTI CHURCH
VAMWE VENYU VANOZVIMAMIRA NEKUSADA KUPINDA 

CHABVA KUNA MUFUNDISII.
*Quote of the day*

Ndandakagara zvangu mukombi panext pevamwe moms vanga vakabata mwana mumaoko

Kamwana kavo kabva kandikwatura nembama, munhu wese akacheuka kutarisa ,ndangodya zvangu easy kunge pasina chaitika

Kabva kada kupamha futi kechi2  bva ndavhika zvikanzi namoms yacho: *mukwasha musavhika anozochema*

*Dog and cat chatting:*                        
*Dog:* shamwari ini ndagara ndine munyama .                                             
*Cat:* why my friend.                            
*Dog:* anoba anonzi anoba sembwa ,anohura anonzi anohura sembwa ,anokara anonzi anokara sembwa ,chero murombo anonzi imbwa chaiyo, why my friend why?                            
*Cat:* siyana navo *imbwa* dzevanhu....

🏽🏽🏽🏽

Chibatisise chirikupisa chinoda dish towel 
*From today if u want to leave the group, u must fill  Application Form to leave group*

Name ...................... ......

Sur Name .....................

I.D No.......................

D.O.B .....................

Age .........................

Sex .....................

Marital status................

Prof................................

Date Joined  ..................

Added by ......................

If you leave without a reason will add you back and if you leave again will add you back again..

Reasons why you want to leave group
..................................................................
..................................................................
..................................................................
....................................................................
.....................................................................
Declaration

I..................................................Of village
......................do hereby swear that I will not
tell anyone about this group. I will not disclose the information which I got from this group and I will never come back.

Sworn before me the group admin on this...........day of ......... 2019.
Approved by ...................................................

Applicant signature ......................

Admin signature ................................

Witness(1)signature ................

Witness(2)signature ..................

Send this to all groups
*Makambozvionawo here kuti Mwari anosika chinhu achiziva.ndiani aiziva kuti zigunwe zihombe ndiro richanyora watsup kkkkkkk*
*Every family has that one member yekuti akapinda mu kitchen unonzwa vamwe vaakudeedzera kuti "ziva kuti vamwe havasati vadya"* Kkkkkk kwenyu ndyn

*Kwedu ndini but ndakugara ndega zvangu*

*Dakumbotsvaga pane rufu ndimbonochema nhamo dzangu pasina anondibvunza kuti ukuchemei. Then ndozonyaradzwa nendiro yesadza*
Teacher *Temba Nguva yekupisa inonzi chii*

Temba *Summer time*

Teacher *Tindo Nguva yekutonhora inonzi chii?*

Tindo *Winter time*

Teacher :Chinos Nguva yemhepo inonz chii

Chinos *Airtime*

BOY: Baby you are My Desire
GIRL: Ah , Handina mwana ini !!!
BOY: Ko wanzi une mwana nani ?
GIRL: ko hanti Wati ndiri mai Desire here ?
🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽  

Rest in peace English

*MASVINGO* *YAZVIFUNGA*
GUYZ MUNOTSAMWA KUSVIKA PAPI? ....INI NDAKATSAMWA NDINOBIKA MAPOTO MAVIRI ESADZA YATANGA KUIBVA NDIYO MURIWO  .DENHA UONE
Kana Paine anoziwa Precious kana kuti Shamiso tsikisai anobva Masvingo kwaMuzvidziwa  arikurwara ne pfungwa arikuno Ku Durban isaiwo mamwe ma group mwari wanokuitirai nyasha
Mukazoona ndomuka chipoko zvimwe zvacho ndeizvi
1. Kundiisa paprofile picture ndafa
2. Kuchera guva zvakanyanya kudzika
3. Kuimba muchiita kunge mukutonakidzwa nekufa kwangu
4. Kudya rice parufu
5. Kuuya nemazifoni enyu muchindipikicha, ndipikichei izvezvi
6. Kuisa guva rangu kumapeto
7. Kunditi "famba zvakanaka" kuendepi?
8. Kusanamatira kuti ndimuke
9. Kundidongorera pabody viewing uri kure
10. Kungoseka seka panhamo yangu
11.Kurwa panhamo pangu
12.Kunyepera kuchema especially vakadzi
13.Kuchena kunge mukuenda kumuchato
14.kubvisa mari yechema yakashota
15.Nekupupura nhema

Be careful pano pa group☠☠☠☠
Mai nemwana wavo vaive mkombi.                                *MWANA* .nhai mama ko vanhu avo vasina kupfeka  varikufamba muroard varikuendepi?.     *MAMA* .varikuenda ku swimming.
*HWINDI* .mfana  usanzwa ayo maHure wanzwa!!.
*MWANA* .nhai mama ko maHure acho anoita vana here?.
*MAMA*. saka unoti mahwindi anobvepi🤡🤠🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽🏽         sando topa ani apa.            

Chandifambisa netsoka ndadzikiswa mkombi
*Mumba mandiri murikupisa zvekuti ndrikutogaya kuti dai takavakira imba yedu panze*
*Vakadzi vanopfeka ma size 8,9,10 bhutsu vanofanira kungotibatsirawo kutema huni panhamo*

🏾🏾🏾🏾🏾
*Vakadzi vanopfeka ma size 8,9,10 bhutsu vanofanira kungotibatsirawo kutema huni panhamo*

🏾🏾🏾🏾🏾
*Ladies, marry a man that is older than you so that by the time u start loosing ur beauty he's also loosing his eyesight*

*One day you'll remember this*
*SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO SPOIL YOURSELF WOTENGA HAKO MAPAMPER WOPFEKA WOMBOZVIMAMIRA!!!*

🤷🏾♂🤷🏾♂🤷🏾♂
Name : Nicholas

Sur Name : Mpangeri

I.D No:63-2120463 J 03

D.O.B :14/06/99

Age:20

Sex:Male

Marital status: Single

Prof................................

Date Joined  21/02/19

Added by : Brilliant Chakazamba

If you leave without a reason will add you back and if you leave again will add you back again..

Reasons why you want to leave group
*Hapana Hanq*
Declaration

I *Nicholas Mpangeri* Of village
*Mposi* do hereby swear that I will not
tell anyone about this group. I will not disclose the information which I got from this group and I will never come back.

Sworn before me the group admin on this *21* day of *February* 2019.
Approved by *Brilliant Chakazamba*

Applicant signature *_mpangeri_*

Admin signature *_b chakazamba_*

Witness(1)signature  *_vasco don_*

Witness(2)signature : *_bont king_*

Send this to all groups
*Ndakazoona kuti sei vamwe vedu vane magaro  anenge (door) paye pakaumbwa vanhu naMwari ivo vakaita zvavo dzungu rekugara pasi vasati vaoma*
*Makambozviona kuti chimoko chakashata chikasunga dhuku chinobva chaita kunge stambo reku Mozambique*

*_Mwari vasikana vaya wamakapa stonyen mahara vakutitengesera_*
*Tall girls please stop lifting your legs during sex. Someone broke my bulb.~ Tony*
*Cyclone yacho iri weak...ndiri mutwn izvozvi haisati yambosimudza kana dress one nxaaaaaa. Kkkkkkkk*🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Dai vanhu vaiita kunge huku dzinotandanisana payanetera yorohwa stonyeni zvimwe zvikadzi zvidhafu zvaiona ndondo nesu tisingagone kusofta*